.July 6, 2000: You are reading “Press Pass” by Jimmy Mohr 
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Monday Night Madness
Jimmy thinks ABC’s hiring of Dennis Miller might just work, as long as the comedian can schedule compelling games.
Last Spring, Don Ohlmeyer was hired on as the new Monday Night Football producer. His ultimate responsibility was to come up with a way to bring back the glory days to a once thriving network franchise. But how would he go about it? Would he dare put right-wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh in the booth, as had been rumored? Or perhaps he’d bring in some jock-turned actor-turned joke like Burt Reynolds? Maybe he’d really get bold and dig up the corpse of Howard Cosell, the last personality to actually breath life into Monday Night Football, and the man the network has been trying to replace ever since his retirement.
The suspense finally ended recently when Dennis Miller and Hall of Famer Dan Fouts were named the new sidekicks to Al Michaels. Miller and Fouts replace the ousted Boomer Esiason, who was benched after only two seasons with ABC. The criticism Esiason received from both fans and media alike lead to an increasing demand for change. Could Boomer have done more? Maybe, but the quick move he made from the playing field into the highest profile analyst seat in the business was his ultimate downfall. He simply wasn’t polished enough.
Also added to the Monday Night Football staff is two new sideline reporters. The first is another Hall of Famer, Eric Dickerson, and the second is ESPN’s Melissa Stark. Stark replaces Leslie Visser who always looked as though she belonged in a mall and not on the sideline. An interesting twist to Stark’s appointment is the age difference between Visser and herself. Stark is twenty years her junior. ABC, already involved in another age discrimination suit, is downplaying the discrepancy.
Ohlmeyer claims he’s been impressed with Stark’s work at ESPN. And I’m sure he reads Playboy for the articles. Stark brings something that has forever eluded Monday Night Football: a hot chick, and I applaud the decision. Besides, Visser never appeared comfortable in front of the camera. Her segments always seemed rehearsed. There was one instance where she froze in mid-sentence and stared blankly into the camera for at least 10 seconds. Great television! I hope she was wearing Depends.
As far as the new boys in the booth are concerned, Fouts is a natural choice. He spent the last three years as a college football analyst for ABC and also worked for CBS as an NFL analyst. He’s a Hall of Fame quarterback (Boomer isn’t) who threw for over 44,000 yards and connected on 254 touchdown passes throughout his career. Who can argue with a former player sporting those numbers? The only way Boomer would have even sniffed such career numbers was if the NFL had granted him the right to play the Oilers every week.
I don’t want to go off on a Dennis Miller rant here but what Oiler fan can honestly say they liked Boomer? I, for one, had a warm feeling in my heart when I heard the news that he had been fired. In fact, Boomer has a permanent spot in my top five All-Time Most Hated Sports Figure list (former San Francisco Giant, and Astro killer, Mike Aldrete is, and always will be, #1). I recall the time I attended the Oilers’ Wild Card playoff game against the Bengals at Riverfront back in 1991. The temperature was below freezing, there was a light snow and I was in the center of a deep sea of orange. But the hatred I felt for the Bengals, particularly Boomer, kept me warm. The Bengals won that game 41-14. Needless to say, I hope Boomer enjoys his golf outings and public appearances. That’s about all his non-talented ass can handle. He just better stay out of Texas.
Fouts has been in the booth before, Boomer never had. His experience analyzing both college and NFL games will give him the confidence that Boomer never seemed to have, which is why Esiason never said anything more than the most blatantly obvious. Fouts also relates to the common fan, something Boomer never could accomplish. He looks like a guy you could drink a beer with; Boomer, on the other hand, looks like a pretty boy waiting for the next big wave. Did I mention I hate Boomer?
Dennis Miller’s selection is a completely different matter. Don Ohlmeyer claims that when he began his search, Miller’s name was one of the first that came to mind. Assuming this is true, this is a list I have to see. It must have included the likes of Pamela Anderson… Hulk Hogan… or maybe even former MNF refugee (and unconvicted felon) O. J. Simpson? Regardless of who was on the list, it’s obvious that the final decision was intended to create the attention it’s received. How many people will watch just to see what Dennis Miller might say? I for one will.
This could be Ohlmeyer’s best or worst decision of his career. What happens if Emmitt Smith bursts up the middle for a big gain? Will Miller liken the run to that of some obscure 1970’s cop show no one’s ever heard of, as he has a tendency to make arcane references that few understand? All I have to say is that ABC had better implement a 7-second delay. Miller has made a name for himself by peppering his comedy bits with relentless vulgarity.
The only factor working in Miller’s favor is that he has experience in the entertainment industry. Unfortunately for Monday Night Football, entertainment is all that matters these days. The success of WWF’s Monday Night Raw, for instance, has signaled a shift in viewership from Monday Night Football to other, more “entertaining” shows. Next, will the three broadcasters be banished to some desert isle to fend for themselves while doing the pre-game show? If it helps the ratings…
Don’t be surprised to see a Monday Night Football helmet cam, locker room cam or even a cup cam to try and liven things up once the Dennis Miller buzz disappears (which it invariably will). The bottom line is this: a good football game far outweighs any changes in the booth. If the level of play on Monday night is improved (it sucked last year), the good old days for the ABC Monday Night Football people will return too.
Jimmy Mohr once picked a fight with the entire Oklahoma Sooner men’s basketball team while attending Texas A&M University. He can’t wait to pick fights on behalf of a real team in 2002.
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