An Open Letter to Vince Young

April 30, 2006
An Open Letter to Vince Young

by Dave Sabo

Dear Vince,

Now that the draft has come and gone (and with it, the hysterical ranting of the smartest talent evaluators in the history of organized football – you know, your worshippers), I wanted to write you, personally, to explain why I will be rooting for your complete and utter failure as an NFL quarterback.

Obviously, your selection by the “Oilers” has made it impossible for me to ever root for or wish you success, but that development alone would not have generated this visceral desire of mine to see you fail spectacularly. And, for willingly and eagerly possessing that desire, Vince, I sincerely apologize. After all, it’s certainly not your fault I hope that you’re a monumental bust.

No, my fervent hope that your career will be best described as “Leafian” is fed by the weeks upon weeks – and now the excruciating post upon post – of Vince adoration that I and other Texan fans with lives have had to endure, and will continue to endure, until you’re officially jockeying a clipboard on a Nashpatch sideline.

Day after day we’ve heard your flock assure us that you’ll be winning the Vince Young Award as the NFL’s Most Valuable Player, leading the AFC to victory in the annual Vince Bowl in Honolulu every season and, of course, hoisting 14 or 15 Young Trophies over your twenty-year career.

Sure, I was just being hyperbolic when I wrote a few months ago that you would be the first player to pass for 600 yards in a game; 6,500 yards in a season and 75,000 yards for his career; set the game, season and career touchdown records; account for 11 touchdowns rushing and passing in a single game; and broker a deal between the Israelis and Palestinians, establishing permanent peace in the Middle East during the 2012 off-season. But the Young zombies apparently bought in to it.

And why not? I mean, yeah, you’re going to a team with a coaching staff that actually wanted Leinart, but got overruled by an 80-year old incompetent. And, by the way, your offensive coordinator used to coach Leinart. But I’m sure those guys won’t have any trouble or qualms about scrapping their offensive philosophy; they’ll simply line up in the shotgun 90% of the time. “Go ahead,” they’ll say.“Just freelance!” It’s gonna be just like playing Baylor 16 times a year!

Worse than the Vince Young Youth, however, are the self-important, deep-pocketed “sponsors” raving on sports talk radio and taking out ads in the local fish wrap as if Bob McNair lies awake night worrying about the relative pennies he collects from a low-rent furniture outlet or the threats from a puling crybaby that doesn’t even have the sack to sign his full name to his full page tantrum. All right-thinking Texans fans should join McNair in giving those dopes a great big middle finger.

Please believe me, Vince, that it’s them and not you that has forced me to this. Otherwise, I’d be wishing you all the luck in the world. Your performance in the Rose Bowl was stunning and from all indications, you’re personable, hard-working and your parents didn’t decide to take an offer to live rent-free in a $800,000 house and maybe (or maybe not) take another $100,000 in cash. And had they, I don’t think you’d lie about knowing about it. Honestly, I’ve got nothing against you personally.

It’s all about the junior GM’s that have already had you measured for a yellow blazer who I hope will have their hopes and dreams crushed. And, sadly, the only way to ensure that happening is for you to end your NFL career as an abject failure. An outcome I will be actively rooting for.

And for that, Vince, I sincerely apologize.

Dave Sabo

Dave Sabo penned this missive for the sole purpose of apologizing to Vince Young for rooting against him. Enraging the braying jackasses that need their heads surgically removed from Young’s ass is merely an added bonus.