September 29, 2003
*%@# The Jags!

by Dave Sabo

Oh, it’s on now! While the biggest rivals in the minds of Texans fans might still be the “Oilers” and their decrepit owner, after an afternoon of cowardly cheap shots and ignorant trash talking, the team itself would place that label on the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Yesterday’s 24 – 21 victory over Jacksonville’s gangload of pansies, while certainly not pretty, definitely proved that in one short season, the Texans have blown past the aqua clad losers from north Florida and reduced the Jags to the laughingstock of one of the weakest divisions in the NFL. After 59 minutes and 58 seconds of play, it came down to one play, one stand. Man up and see who wants it.

No contest. Carr dives over the top, Texans win. Yes, Jimmy, the Jacksonville is, indeed, Houston’s bitch.

Where to start in on those sackless women? How about their coach, Jack Del Rio? I guess owner, Wayne Weaver, sniffed the Cryboy stink radiating off him and thought he was hitching his wagon to past Cryboy glory. Apparently, Weaver hasn’t gotten a good whiff of the stench emanating out of the Metroplex recently. Del Rio joins Dennis Erickson as Exhibits A & B as to why the NFL has been forced to establish ridiculous interviewing rules in order to give qualified minorities an opportunity to join the head coaching ranks.

With the possible exception of the half back option in the fourth quarter, Del Rio’s game plan was, at best, pedestrian. Were it not for the stellar performance of his cadre of cast-off receivers and the loss of Pro-Bowl corner Aaron Glenn, his decision to start Leftwich would have proven disastrous. Unbothered by any sort of pass rush for the majority of the afternoon, he was often off-target and the one time he was flushed from the pocket, he committed a lethal turnover. It’s hard to fault Leftwich, though. Quarterbacking an NFL team is complex enough. Imagine trying to do it with Steve Tasker’s head jammed squarely up your ass all game long. Despite Steve Tasker’s inane rantings to the contrary, Leftwich was less than impressive.

Additionally, Del Rio didn’t seem to have a problem with the bush league antics of his players, most notably special team nobody, Jimmy Redmond. That little punk-ass runt can talk about how the fair-catch signal was late all the livelong day, but everybody knows that he and the rest of the no-talent ass clowns on the Jags return teams were just tired of J.J. pissin’ on them. The ball wasn’t anywhere close to arriving and Redmond tried to injure him, plain and simple. He might consider a name change from “Redmond” to “Deadman” cuz Jimmy’s gonna get his in December. That is, if he’s still around. If you’re a wideout with a number in the teens not named “Keyshawn” you’d probably be best off renting.

And speaking of the Jags return teams, the only thing “special” about them is their short bus mode of transportation. At least Jack let’s ‘em trade their hockey helmets for football come game time.

John Henderson and Marcus Stroud spent most of the game jawing with Carr and acting like they were pitching a shut out. Is there anything more pathetic than guys acting like they just won the Super Bowl every time they make a tackle? Especially when they’re losing. And, considering the way they rolled over like cheap whores with their season on the line, I’m not surprised they chose to tangle with Carr rather than the Texans linemen. But, Carr punked them anyway, going right over both their sorry asses for the winning six. Man, I’d hate to be a Jags fan this morning knowing that the two biggest loudmouths on my team are nothing but a couple of gutless wonders.

How the hell did Jacksonville get an NFL team in the first place? As I’ve said before, the place is constantly gridlocked worse than Houston with Spring Breakers or Disney tourists and off the top of my head, I can’t think of a single reason to visit the place. Bud Adams didn’t even want to move there! They renovated their stadium just in time for fans to stay away in droves and judging from the response I got to a column in which I stated I couldn’t find anything to hate about them, the fans that still show up appear decidedly slack-jawed. The only guys worth a damn on that team (with the exception of Fred Taylor) now play in Houston, for pities sake! Tags and the League really screwed the pooch on this one. In retrospect, it’s hard to believe they gave a team to a podunk, bush-league berg like Jacksonville.

Well, I guess they got what they wanted, a pure-dee rivalry with a division foe. Since Indy and the “Oilers” are constantly taking them to the woodshed, I guess they figured they’d have an easy time with the Texans. Oops. That one kinda backfired on them.

If it weren’t for yesterday’s display of spinelessness and cheap shot artistry, I’d have enjoyed the win and not thought twice about the Jags until December, but since they decided to act ignorant, forget that. @#&% the Jags! @#&% Del Rio! @#&% Jimmy Deadman and the Sackless Wonders! And @#&% their clueless inbred fans! Another date in December just got circled.

Dave Sabo realizes that he’s becoming known as the resident “Angry-Writer-That-Bitches-Alot”. While he’s truly making an effort to change this outlook on the NFL, he’d really appreciate it if dim-witted suckholes like the Jacksonville Jaguars quit constantly pissing him off.