The Super Bowl — 20 Burning QuestionsBy Ric SweeneyHoustonProFootball.comBig events, like the Super Bowl, call for even bigger events, like the return of a beloved, gimmicky article that hasn’t seen the light of day since April. On a completely unrelated note, I decided this weekend to dust off 20 Burning Questions; twenty rhetorical, hopefully funny, certainly uneventful questions that popped into my head while watching all 9,657 hours of ABC’s coverage. And with that….1. Has the pre-game show ended yet?2. When are the Raiders due to arrive in Tampa? Seriously, I haven’t seen such universal disinterest since the last time Pete Townsend flipped through a Playboy.3. I wonder which will happen first: the Klu Klux Klan backing the University of Michigan admissions department or Barrett Robbins ever putting on a Raider uniform again?4. Do you think Simeon Rice will remember to include a return address on Barry Sims’ jock strap?5. Did everyone make a wish as Rich Gannon fell from the sky?6. Are you like me, kinda curious what Jerry Rice’s mic may have picked up on the Raiders’ sideline? Lucky for you, I managed to secure these exclusive excerpts:
“Who am I? Why am I here?” — Bill Callahan;”And you are…?” – Marc Trestman to Charlie Garner;”Are those headlights?” – Rich Gannon;“Mmmmmmmmm… donuts.” — Sam Adams;“(Yawn)” — Tim Brown;”Trust me; the red one will make all of this a distant memory.” – Bill Romanowski
7. Was I the only one who started pulling big time for Oakland after their mini-spurt in the third quarter, thinking, if Tampa Bay blows a 34-3 second half lead in the Super Bowl, it would be like a Presidential pardon for the ’92 Oilers?8. When did the Raiders install floodgates on Lincoln Kennedy?9. Is it too late to add a candidate to the “No Shit, Sherlock” Awards? “Obviously, it was not our night” — Rich Gannon.10. I wonder if Al Davis has offered Dexter Jackson a contract yet? (Think Larry Brown.)11. Isn’t Michael Pittman rushing for 111 yards in a Super Bowl one of the signs of the Apocalypse?12. Quick SAT question: The word “thing” is to John Madden as oxygen is to _______? (Answer: C. Every living creature)13. Hey, I forget — who was it that uttered, “Do you believe in miracles?” Oh, that’s right; thanks, for reminding us, Al. I’ll take self-aggrandizing to block.14. How bad was the officiating in this year’s Super Bowl? Let’s just say head referee Bill Corrolla and his crew would’ve missed the two Miller Lite women fighting in the fountains.15. Speaking of… Was there a greater, more important development this football season than the return of T&A to beer ads? I didn’t think so.16. And continuing the T&A theme, should I maybe keep to myself that I rewound the Alias commercial and watched it a second time with my pants off? Yeah, you’re right, I should.17. Is there a funnier image than all those loser, Puddy-reject, GWAR-wannabe Raider fans having to drive home dejected while still in costume?18. So, I guess it’s safe to assume Jerry Porter was the lone male in America not watching the game Sunday, based on his whiney postgame comments? Honestly, the Raiders cry more often than members of Oprah’s book club19. Do you think there were many Texans at home watching the Raiders’ performance, thinking, “Hell, we could’ve done that?”20. I wonder how uncomfortable Daniel Snyder felt watching Brad Johnson win a Super Bowl while Jeff George waited on him at Bennigans?The Super Bowl Entertainment: A Very Special Burning Questions. Because the Super Bowl experience couldn’t possibly be summed up in a measly twenty questions, here’s five more guaranteed funny questions that popped up while viewing the game’s bloated peripherals. And by “funny” I mean, of course, “desperate.”1. Anyone else wanna join me on the “What Happened, Shania” bandwagon? In 1995, my friend, Stefan, and I went to a bar to watch a pivotal Rocket-Sonic, late season clash when her video came on another TV. She was so hot, we actually stopped watching basketball and spent the rest of the night plotting a road trip to Nashville. Seven years later, I wouldn’t turn away from a late season WNBA game to watch Shania’s latest video. What happened, Shania?2. No Doubt? Seriously? Of all the bands out there, No Doubt was the best the Super Bowl could come up with? Were the Thompson Twins busy, or something?3. Didn’t Celine Dion retire to take care of her husband, Pernell Roberts, TV’s Trapper John? If not, would she? Please? And why is she, a Canadian, singing “God Bless, America?” Did I accidentally switch over to the Grey Cup broadcast? What’s next on the schedule, Lenin singing the National Anthem?4. You know what would really liven up Sting’s otherwise dull halftime performance (besides a time machine to take us back to 1985 when he was still relevant)? Office Linebacker Terry Tate bringing the pain and laying waste to the entire waste of everyone’s time. God bless Terry Tate….5. Who was the brainiac who thought what the Super Bowl postgame show needed was a performance from Bon Jovi? On a list of bad decisions, this would rank just ahead of Tom Cruise trading Nicole Kidman for Penelope Cruz.Ric Sweeney apologizes, once again, for his subpar efforts.