Drafting A Question

April 24, 2002
Drafting A Question
By Ric Sweeney

See, here’s the thing: making judgments 24, 48 or even 72 hours after the NFL Draft officially wraps is (in my opinion, of course) about as useful as wiping before heading to the bathroom.

So, in lieu of some knee-jerk, armchair analysis, I figured I was probably better off just making fun of the whole thing… Yep, it’s time to begrudgingly welcome back 20 Burning Questions.

To those that might be new to the scene, 20 Burning Questions recounts rhetorical, nonsensical, hopefully funny (best not to get your hopes up) things that popped into my head this weekend while enduring all 497 hours of the draft. Honestly, the NFL should look into having Jerry Lewis host next year’s broadcast. Might as well, I mean, most of Jerry’s Kids are already working as scouts for the Cincinnati Bengals anyway, right? And with that…

1. Has the first round ended yet?

2. On Friday night (i.e. draft’s eve), which do you think was the bigger longshot: Jerry Jones emerging from draft weekend as a “winner” or Robert Blake landing a sitcom in the coveted post-“Friends” slot on NBC? Not so fast, there, Baretta…

3. Why did it take the Texans nearly 8 minutes to pick David Carr? Were they fielding trade offers? Don’t they realize their delay forced us to endure 8 additional minutes of Jimmy Johnson and Mel Kiper’s forced chemistry? I think Rosie O’Donnell with a man would come off more natural.

4. When did Paul Tagliabue pass away? Seriously, I’ve seen fraternities express more excitement after winning an all-expense paid trip to La Bare than Tagliabue displayed on Saturday. Hey, Paul, it’s a draft, not a wake.

5. How cool would it have been to be a fly on the wall inside the Lions’ War Room during those tense moments leading up to their first pick? Can’t you picture GM Matt Millen putting head coach Marty Mornhinweg in a headlock, shouting, “D’ya like Joey Harrington now, bitch!” as aides scramble over to try and break things up. Paging HBO’s Hard Knocks

6. Staying with the Lions: Anyone else had enough of Joey Harrington? Seriously, who does this guy have pictures of, and what are they doing in those pictures, and more importantly, can I get copies for my personal collection? Harrington may have jumped ahead of “Corky” Manning this weekend to grab the title of “Nice guy quarterback who I nonetheless just inexplicably can’t stand.” Go Bears.

7. Did Charger GM John Butler eat Doug Flutie? My God, he looks like he’s getting ready to play Mr. Creosote in a stage revival of Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. If I’m ever in the Chargers’ locker room, and Butler starts heading to the restroom with the sports page tucked under his arm… I’m outta there.

8. Could Mike Tirico have been more desperate to create a controversy out of the rather benign Cowboy/Viking/Chief trade snafu? This just in… it’s a freaking draft, Geraldo; settle down. Speaking of ESPN personalities, why is Ron Jaworski relegated to mop up duty on, like, “The Mrs. Bairds Post Game Wrap-up of the Post Game Wrap-Up” show? You’re telling me Beasley freaking Reese is a better color analyst than Jaws? What about Troy Aikman? No way; no way in hell. Get Jaws on a network announcing team STAT.

9. (In my best Chandler Bing) Could there be more graphics on screen right now? I’m not kidding, ESPN’s draft telecast this year was busier than a Roman Catholic priest at a Boy Scout meeting.

10. I wonder which is more likely: the sun coming up tomorrow or a player from the University of Miami having a positive marijuana test in his background? Those guys must, like, pee weed, I’m serious…

11. Is there really a quantifiable difference between a 4.45/40 and 4.49/40? Even though I love the draft so much that I’d probably date it if that were in any way, shape or form possible, if you’re dissecting 40 times down to the 1/100th’s and trying to pretend there’s any significance in doing so… things are out of control.

  How many words is this shot worth?   How many words is this shot worth?

12. What’s that saying about a picture and a 1,000 words…?

13. Do you think fans sitting near Mel Kiper, Jimmy Johnson and Chris Mortensen were instructed to move to the nearest hairdo in the event of an emergency?

14. What was the best part of the draft? Easy — the Madden 2003 commercials… Not that I play Madden, by the way — no time, what with me hanging out in strip clubs and picking up hot chicks and all….

15. Is there anything more tired than the disappointed Jet fan bitching about the team blowing a first round pick? Wait… did I just see that fat Browns’ fan that wears the dog mask and eats dog biscuits walk by….? Layne Staley’s body when they found it last Friday wasn’t near as stale as those acts.

16. Why don’t I hate the Redskins? They’re following the book “10 Things to Do to Ensure Everybody Hates Your Franchise for Eternity by Jerry Jones” to the letter, and yet… nuthin’. I may need to see someone about this.

17. Does the guy who has to manually insert the rod in Bill Belichick’s ass count against the Pats’ salary cap?

18. Why hasn’t Bill Cowher signed Bucky Richardson yet?

19. Know what was missing from ESPN’s otherwise unbelievably splendid draft coverage (and I’m serious about that)? The camera in the house of the “no doubt about it first round pick who inexplicably starts falling.” That used to be a staple of these broadcasts (remember Thurman Thomas?), but I haven’t seen it in a long while. How riveting would it have been to periodically check in with Antonio Bryant on Saturday?

20. OK, four hours into day 2, and… hey, where’s my wife going and why does she have a suitcase under her arm…?

Ric Sweeney gives, and gives, and gives, and then, just when you think he’s given all he can… he revs it back up and starts churning the give back out.