Jerry’s Kids

November 7, 2001
Jerry’s Kids
By Ric Sweeney

While watching Eli Manning’s epic performance Saturday night against the Razorbacks, three non-NFL burning questions came to mind: 1) where do I sign up for the Eli Manning Bandwagon?; 2) Do you think Archie’s other, non-football playing son was the inspiration behind the Danny Devito’s character in Twins?; and 3) Why didn’t Melissa Ethridge have Archie’s number on her speed dial when she went looking for someone to fertilize her egg? I mean, seriously — we haven’t seen genes like this since the halcyon days of the Baldwin brothers, yet she chooses David Crosby? Inexplicable.

And with that, let’s jump quickly into this week’s 20 Burning Questions. Quickly, for those who might have missed us last week: these are just 20 rhetorical questions that came up over the course of me watching as much as I could of the NFL’s eighth weekend of action.

1) Is Spice now, officially, the only channel not running an NFL pregame show? And if so… why the hell not?!

2) Is Barry Sanders’ retirement starting to make more sense now?

3) Why do the Texans still only have two coaches on staff despite starting official workouts this week? Is Dom Capers using the Hayden Fox coaching hierarchy? What’s going on here?

4) Half a million workers have been laid off in the past month, and yet Jerry Glanville’s continues to draw not one, but two paychecks? How is that possible?

5) Anybody else like the sound of, “Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Texans’ new defensive coordinator, Tony Dungy”?

6) When did Pittsburgh sign Ian Howfield? (Non-question note: Obviously, Kris Brown’s travails were ripe with joke potential. Originally, I wanted to ask, “When did Pittsburgh sign Byung Hyun Kim?” but then Dan Freaking Dierdorf stole that line. And if that doesn’t put this entire process into a really gray area, then nothing will.)

7) After watching the Redskins win their third straight to jump back into the NFC East, did anybody else begin to wonder if Satan had bothered to winterize?

8) Do you get the feeling Chris Chandler is single-handedly driving up the NFL’s insurance premiums every year?

9) Which do you think is more stable right about now: Robert Downey, Jr’s liver or the Jacksonville coaching staff?

10) If a tree fell in the middle of a Cardinal game at Sun Devil Stadium, would the tree still make a sound? Seriously, these people get a World Series Championship and we get Jimy Williams? Life sucks, doesn’t it?

11) Are you getting a Godfather 3-like vibe from Mike Holgrem’s tenure in Seattle?

12) Speaking of Holmgren, is he now the only one in America not picking up Matt Hasselbeck’s unmistakable Scott Mitchell smell?

13) Did anybody else miss the end of the Browns-Bears game because they were watching Totally Britney on MTV? Yeah, me either… (The Bears won, right?)

14) Am I the only one who thinks the microphone is the only phallic-like object that’s ever been that close to Suzy Kolber’s mouth?

15) Is there any doubt Kyle Turley’s urine sample from Sunday night could’ve run a 4.4/40, bench pressed a small bus and won the next WWF Smackdown?

16) Was Ed McCaffrey really that good?

And finally, because so much happened in their neck of the woods this weekend, the final four burning questions are all Dallas Cowboy related. In fact, I toyed with the idea of writing a very special 20 Burning Questions featuring nothing but Jerry’s Kids, but then I wouldn’t have been able to make a joke about Kyle Turley’s urine test, and dammit, something’s just not right about that.

17) Do you get the feeling that our country would rather have the Taliban serve as “America’s Team” than the Cowboys right about now?

18) When someone finally writes the history of Dallas, I wonder which item they’ll bury further: the JFK assassination or the Clint Stoener era?

19) If Ryan Leaf is the answer, don’t you think you’re better off just disregarding the question?

20) And finally, when did Nate Newton sign on as Michael Irvin’s errand boy? Thank you, and drive safely, everybody!

Ric Sweeney apologizes in advance for this week’s column — he knows it sucks and promises to do at least somewhat better next week.