October 30, 2001
Let’s Get Ready to Gumble
By Ric Sweeney
With apologies to CNNSI‘s Don Banks, welcome to the first-ever 20 Burning Questions, a new feature I hope against all hope will turn into a weekly column.
All year, I’ve tried to find a quick and easy way to keep everyone up-to-date on what’s happening around the NFL. But I quickly found that doing so required actual research and effort on my part, and in case you don’t know it by now, homey don’t play that. So I dropped the idea. Quickly.
Then this weekend, I got stuck watching the Cowboys and Cardinals set the NFL back about 178 years, and I started thinking: Is there anything crappier than watching two really bad teams play football? Would, for instance, helping CBS’ Greg Gumble into a pair of 36-inch jeans be worse…? From there, a column was born.
So now, without further ado, here are 20 Burning Questions I want answered after viewing week 7 of the NFL season… (And for the record, like Chef Hicks, I’m sitting on my helmet right now as I venture into this, because truthfully, I have no idea how, or even if, this is going to work.)
1) When, exactly, did ESPN’s Gameday become absolutely unwatchable? And on a related note, was it wrong of me to agree with my wife that Steve Young’s a hot man? I mean, he is, right? Was any of this out loud?
2) Why hasn’t Dick Vermeil cried yet this year?
3) Do you think the devil that bought Aaron Brooks’ soul looked anything like Elizabeth Hurley from Bedazzled, and if so, where do I sign?
4) Is there some mandate from the NFL that every game involving the Carolina Panthers has to suck? I mean, outside of the Cleveland Cavaliers, is there a more boring team in professional sports right now?
5) Do Randall Cunningham’s hospice nurses count against the Raven’s salary cap?
6) What was the over/under on Randy Moss emerging as “the mature one” among Viking receivers this year?
7) Is it me, or does CBS’ Jill Arrington look like she knows her way around a greased pole, and is that really such a bad thing?
8) Am I the only one nauseous over the thought of Doug Flutie being 5-2 as a Charger?
9) Are Mike Holgrem’s breasts actually producing milk?
10) A flanker option two weeks in a row? Will somebody please tell Patriot coach Bill Belichick that this isn’t Madden 2002?
11) Win or lose, why does Mike Shanahan always look like he’s stuck in the middle of a Peter North/Ron Jeremy double team?
12) Was anybody hurt when Tom Brady came crashing back down to Earth this weekend?
13) I wonder what’s a worst fate in life: having Bud Adams sit naked on your face or being a Cowboys’ wide receiver?
14) Is it now safe to add “ and the Arizona Cardinals sucking” to the old standbys “Death and taxes ”?
15) Anyone else find it oft-putting whenever Fox broadcaster Troy Aikman manages to work both “Moose” and “Dick” into the same sentence?
16) Isn’t allowing Eric Metcalf to run a punt back for a touchdown grounds for dismantling a franchise? Would someone check on this, please?
17) When did Donovan McNabb go on injured reserve? What do you mean he’s not on it? Are you sure?
18) I’m gonna ask it — once — and then I’m gonna pour acid down my throat: is there a better coach in the NFL than Bill Cowher?
19) When did “Remember the Titans” (in reference to Tennessee’s horrendous start) officially replace “Houston, We Have a Problem” as the most insipid and overused sports-by-way-of-movie headline?
20) Let me make sure I’ve got this straight: Jay Fiedler, Kordell Stewart, Jon Kitna and Shane Mathews are all in first place after seven weeks of the NFL season? Remind me, again, why the Texans need to draft a QB in April?
Ric Sweeney is busy watching the new Britney Spears video on a continuous loop and will not be able to return email for at least seven months. He apologizes in advance for any inconvenience.