Buchanon, the Olive Branch

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October 18, 2006
Buchanon, the Olive Branch

by Keith Weiland

The Texans released Phillip Buchanon on Monday for you, Texans fans. Consider it an olive branch, plucked from the gardens of Reliant Park and hand delivered straight to you.

Gift wrapped from general manager Rick Smith and head coach Gary Kubiak, they offered us Buchanon’s head on a stick, pimento-style. They must truly be sorry for screwing up again. They must have really known how important it was to us as Texans fans that they beat the Cowboys. Lose the rest, we fans are prone to say boastfully, just beat Jerrah, America’s Most Wanted, and their freaking bandwagon fans still crying over the Yankees’ latest playoff failure.

So they offered us Buchanon.

We are so very sorry, they reminded us on Monday. Please forgive us.

They knew how much we liked to kick around Buchanon, the one many of us called “P-Burnt”, “P-Bust”, and a whole host of other P-words even I can’t type in this column since my mother might read it one day.

But Rick and Gary, I’m on to you guys. I know you’re sending us a message encoded within the leaves of that olive branch. I know you two just wanted to send us a little reminder along with it.

Well, you know what, Rick and Gary? Releasing another bust from the Capers-Casserly era isn’t going to cut it this time. You can cut your Casserly rejects all you want to remind us that this 1-4 start says a hell of a lot more about how much you were caught carrying the bag of Toro poop when Bob McNair hired you guys and nothing about the job you’ve done with the guys you handpicked to fix this mess.

Oh so much dead money around here, you reminded us on Monday. Messy, messy.

Gary Walker. Todd Wade. Robaire Smith. Marcus Coleman. Dave Ragone. Seth Wand. Bennie Joppru. Buchanon. Must I continue? We get it. You’re hemorrhaging dead money from players for whom you aren’t responsible. We know. Enough already.

Look, we’re not delusional. We know this is an uphill climb. We just want a team we can respect on Monday morning. But now we’ve got four years of reminders until the next game against the Crackwagon of how sucky the Texans played after halftime on Sunday against our in-state neighbors. Four years. How many more Buchanons can you cut over the next four years to try and make that pain go away?

How about something different this time, Rick and Gary. How about you make it up to us starting this Sunday? You see, I know this is your first Battle Red Day here, and even though the Texans don’t have a perfect record when they wear those red jerseys, they do at least have a tendency of playing pretty good in them. Don’t ruin that for us, too. We kinda like it when the Texans rip the Jaguars, even rub their snotty little noses in it a little bit, and as fans, we do look pretty darn spiffy wearing red in the stands, thankyouverymuch.

Oh, and then the next week, it might be even more important because that’s when you guys head out of town to play the Titans. You know them, they’re the team that actually used to be here. Look, we have no more love for the Oilers than you do, but at least they made it to the playoffs before they embarrassed the city. And heaven forbid you play defense against Houston’s own Vince Young like you did against Tony Romo last Sunday.

So don’t lose that one. You already cut Buchanon in an effort to get out of jail free. Maybe you guys should keep Tony Hollings’ number handy so you can sign and cut him again just as another reminder of how bad those guys who used to sit in your chairs were at your jobs before McNair hired you. Yes, of course we remember Hollings is still available.

So we get it. The Buchanon olive branch was a nice gesture, but it isn’t enough. If you can’t win, at least try to lose by just single digits next time.

Keith Weiland finds black olives tasty when he tops them on his beef tacos sometimes.

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