Counting the Days With Vic

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September 19, 2006
Counting the Days With Vic

by Keith Weiland

Come on, you know he’s out there. Somewhere. Smiling, no, smirking his ass off.

I’m talking about Vic Fangio. And he’s farting in your general direction, Houston.

Why? Well, because last time he checked – and yeah that was about ten seconds ago, dude’s got some time on his hands- he wasn’t the one with a 32nd ranked defense. That’s right, beeyotches. Last place. El stinko. That sure isn’t his damsel twisting in distress on the so-called NFL train tracks.

Fangio’s defense had dreams, dammit. Genius is always misunderstood. When he was relieved of his duties after four golden years as the Texans defensive coordinator, his unit was ranked #31… but with a bullet, man! Suck on that, won’t you? And he didn’t even have a first overall pick like Mario Williams, either.

So curses, Houston! Foiled again!

You see, Fangio is sitting in the darkness of his den, masterminding his return, a day he knows will come once Dom Capers is hired to be the head coach of the Cowboys next season. Then Houston will truly be sorry as he becomes the faceless coordinator of yet another NFL team, this time destined to be hoisting Jerry Jones’ left cheekbone on his shoulder.

Go ahead, ask him. Ask Vic Fangio how many times he gave up 43 points to the Colts. He’s begging you. Do it.

Okay, once. Curses! Back in 2004, the Texans allowed 49 points in Indy. You got him there, punk, but that wasn’t his fault though. Blame David Carr, like everyone else does in Houston, okay?

Vic at least knows a bad defense when he sees one, and boy, this Texans defense is about as bad as one as he’s ever seen. Man, if that ain’t saying something right there. This defense has given up an average of 478 yards per game. 478! Kinda makes you long for the good ol’ days of 2005 when Fangio had that number at a paltry 364, doesn’t it? Yeah, Vic thought so, too.

How’s that working out, switching schemes to the 4-3? Wait, isn’t that the exact number of points Fangio’s defense didn’t give up to the Colts on Sunday? Tut tut, that’s what he thought.

Look, I’m no Vic Fangio, but here’s a little double secret salvo his his replacement and arch nemesis, Richard Smith should have known: Vic kept his overpaid defensive lineman from penetrating the gaps for good reason – to cover up for those Bosom Buddies playing at safety. Richard, you take an even more talented defensive lineman in Williams and let him crash five yards past the pocket on every down. I mean, jeez man!

What, you thought no single Texan had more than eight sacks in a season because Fangio’s defense wasn’t good enough? Well, don’t get on Vic’s bad side, because the last time some Dudley Do-Right registered eight sacks from one of Vic’s defenses, his backside got shipped to Buffalo. That’s Buffalo, as in a frozen loogie from being in freakin’ Canada. Houston fans? You’ve been warned.

Jamie Sharper? Gone. Aaron Glenn? Gone. You? You don’t stand a chance.

Well, guess what? Vic’s tanned, rested, and ready for his return to the NFL. And Richard? Well, Vic’s ready to be #31 with a bullet once again unless you figure out a way to slow down the opposition every once in a while.

Keith Weiland actually has no idea what Vic Fangio thinks of the Texans defense, much as he had no idea what Fangio was thinking while he was here anyway. Snidely Whiplash Vic Fangio? Home

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