Ho, Ho, Hopeless

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December 6, 2005
Ho, Ho, Hopeless

by Keith Weiland

‘Tis the giving season, isn’t it? The Texans have gift-wrapped two improbable come-from-behind wins to the Rams and Ravens, making the real Santa Claus rather envious. Don’t be shocked if you catch Dom Capers start wining and dining Mrs. Claus on the down-low in the next couple days to really get inside Kringle’s head. The man is a dedicated scholar.

Actually, what might shock me would be seeing Capers lose it a la Michael Douglas in that movie, Falling Down. Who could blame him though if he did go ape? Week after week Capers asks his men to do what is best to win, and all he gets in return is a face full of Antwan Peek after his third bonehead penalty of the half. Or a whiffed tackle by someone in the secondary. Or a bobbled punt return. Or a fubar’d snap exchange. Or an ill-timed and poorly executed blitz against an impotent Ravens offense with seconds to play. It would make the best of us mouth breathers, too.

Not that I will be rooting against Capers to flip out though. He is such a mild mannered and all-around nice guy, but something in me wants to see him turn into King Kong and start climbing the Williams Tower, clutching a “deactivated” Marcus Coleman on the way up. How much abuse can one man take? On the day he is fired – which is T-minus 28 days and counting by the way – I fully expect him to be lying on his back, under medieval torture by Charley Casserly, holding a shred of his 3-4 playbook and yelping “FREEDOM!”

And boy, “Free Dom” is exactly what Casserly will be doing, because Capers will be able to revive his career as someone else’s defensive coordinator, keeping Casserly in his rearview mirror. His general manager has been a general malaise to his other head coaches. Through his daft drafting and player management, Casserly witnessed the first untimely retirement of Joe Gibbs and helped the demise of Gibbs’ replacement, Richie Petitbon. And do you think for one second that Norv Turner has Casserly on his Christmas card list?

Regardless of whether the Texans’ undoing has been because of Capers, Casserly, David Carr, Tony Boselli, Bennie Joppru, the alignment of the moon and stars, the red apple sales at Foley’s, or the spray-painted grass pallets in Reliant Stadium, the bottom line is that the whole Texans organization is falling down.

I don’t intend to be the organization’s whistle blower, but here goes my internal memo to the big cheese, Bob McNair:

Dear Bobby,

What’s crackalacking? You know I got nothing but love. Thank you for bringing the NFL back. We still owe you, big guy, so I’m gonna do you a solid and offer my pair of wayward pennies: Don’t bring back anyone high up on your football staff next season. As fans, we have purposefully and willingly endured four years of bad football on the promise of something greater. Rest assured, we will do it again because, dammit, this is Houston, and we love our football.

But please, even if this group wins out the rest of the year, don’t be fooled once this season is over. As Benjamin Franklin once said, “Fish and visitors smell in three days”, and as I am saying now, “Capers and Casserly smell in four years.”

Hope alone for some better days is no longer enough. Hoping for this same group to bounce back next season will only waste our time. Franklin had something to say about that, too: “He that lives upon hope will die fasting.”

Which reminds me… your stadium concession prices are beyond ridonkulous. Five bucks for a coke? Anyway, peace out to you and yours for a better year in 2006.

Hugs and kisses,

Yes, Keith Weiland is sorry for suggesting that Mrs. Claus would ever participate in an extramarital affair. The egg nog made him do it. Dom Capers Dom Capers Home

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