A Most Important Article

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November 9, 2004
A Most Important Article

by Keith Weiland

Alright, since the Texans got screwed in Denver while attempting to overtake first place in the AFC South, at least they’ve become official members of the Mile High Club along the way, right?

Maybe so, on a technicality, but if anyone’s getting screwed, it’s us fans by anyone – namely the media, the players, the front office, even the owner – who keeps leading us on to believe that each successive week brings with it “The Most Important Game in Team History.”

That overstatement is quickly becoming the most annoying phrase since “Houston, we have a problem.” Sadly, it’s wearing as thin as that dress Serena Williams wore last week at a movie premiere.

I may not be a Mensa (yet), but how is it possible for the Texans game in Denver to be “The Most Important Game in Team History” (or known throughout the rest of this column as TMIGITH), when it is sandwiched between two other TMIGITH’s: the Battle Red Day win over the Jaguars last week and next Sunday’s tilt against the Colts in Indy?

And these TMIGITH’s come on the heels of a few other TMIGITH’s this year alone. There was the shocking comeback in Kansas City for their first win of the year. Then came another victory the following week over the Raiders to finally get that back-to-back monkey off their, um, backs. Weren’t those, too, TMIGITH’s?

And how could I possibly overlook the TMIGITH when the Texans laid waste to the “Oilers” in Bud’s new crib for the first time ever? I mean, wasn’t that just the epitome of a TMIGITH if there ever was one?

  Tara Reid   Tara Reid

By my count that’s no less than five TMIGITH’s already, and this season is only halfway over. Should this over-exaggeration carry on any longer, I may have worse scars than those seen on Tara Reid’s surgically altered left breast at P. Diddy’s birthday party this past weekend.

This is the most important article I’ve ever written, but since I know I’ll have an even more important one next time, I don’t go around flaunting it (yet).

So, okay, I get it already. This is a third-year expansion team that has never played a truly meaningful game before this season. Each new matchup brings with it possibilities for the postseason. Duh. Just because we’re fans doesn’t mean we’re morons, too. …well, at least most of us.

Let’s just make a deal right now and say that from here on out this season we fans already know that each game is increasingly important. Let’s preserve this silly and now meaningless hyperbole for when it has a shelf life longer than gallon of milk (and I don’t mean Ms. Reid’s left breast).

Or let’s at least save it until that important Packer game on Sunday Night Football. I mean, come on, that’s going to be in front of a national (albeit cable) audience, so it’s gotta be a TMIGITH if that Bronco game was ever one, right?

Wrong. That was sarcasm, people. See the madness such hyperbole can bring? I mean, if it doesn’t end soon, I may never turn on my TiVo again!!!!

Okay, see that? That was a classic overstatement where I went from metaphorical to metaphysical just within the space of a single sentence. Of course I’m going to turn on my TiVo again as long as the good Lord sees to it that I have electricity in my house and the NFL Network in my channel lineup.

Let’s just make a commitment now to lead lives without the pressure of meaningless and repetitive hyperboles and with the freedom to live in a moment where I can find justification for adorning my whimsical drivel with saucy pictures of young women.

I mean, isn’t that what the internet is for?

Keith Weiland thanks you for reading his Most Important Article Ever. Please check back next week when he writes his next Most Important Article Ever. Serena Williams Serena Williams Home

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