September 16, 2003
Bring On The Jerk
by Keith Weiland
The Texans defense needed a punchier line, not a punchline.
Alas, the continued absence of defensive end Gary Walker, as well as the unfortunate loss of stalwart nose tackle Seth Payne during Sunday’s defeat at the hands of the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels from New Orleans, has put the team in a Little Shop of Horrors. Jerry DeLoach, the last of ¡The Three Amigos! on the starting defensive line, must feel quite like The Lonely Guy.
In signing journeyman Steve Martin, a fifth round pick in the 1996 draft, the Texans are making a Leap of Faith that they can still provide enough depth to challenge a brutish offensive front like the one The Out of Towners from Kansas City are bringing this Sunday. Crossing the Grand Canyon on Roxanne’s back sounds like an easier task than penetrating that line and Bringing Down the House.
Martin, a 6’4" 292-pound behemoth, must think it to be A Simple Twist of Fate to find himself thrust into Houston’s defensive line rotation. Cut by the Packers during training camp, Martin was basically a Housesitter waiting for the phone to ring from his next NFL team.
Well, he got the call, so now he better become The Man With Two Brains and quickly learn the ins and outs of the Texans’ 3-4 defensive scheme in less than a week. If he does, he might say to himself, "Reliant Stadium is My (Steel) Blue Heaven". Though if he doesn’t, Martin may learn firsthand that Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid while looking for whatever Planes, Trains, and Automobiles he can find to get to his next NFL destination.
Regardless, Texans fans made their own leap for Novocaine to ease the pain after hearing that Payne was lost for the season. We should keep in mind that the Texans are still a bag of Mixed Nuts. They still need to have another offseason or two to acquire all the pieces of the puzzle, so don’t fret, The Kids Are Alright.
And setbacks like the loss of Payne are just the Pennies From Heaven we need to remind ourselves that we should be thankful. That’s right, thankful.
Thankful we’re not watching this team as an L.A. Story.
Tune in, drop out… As the NFL season begins to chip away at the Texans starters, I can’t help but feel like a Shopgirl when it comes to scouting college prospects.
UCLA @ Oklahoma, 2:30pm CT, ABC – The lack of depth on the Texans’ defensive line should make you want to watch Sooners defensive lineman Tommie Harris. Bulked up close to 290 pounds, if Harris (6’3") regains the form he had his freshman season, he may be someone who would look great at right defensive end for the Texans. There’s plenty of other prospects to watch on the Sooner defense in this game, but don’t miss your opportunity to scout Bruin defensive back Matt Ware. He’s a guy with prototypical size (6’3" and 201 pounds) whose versatility could provide immediate depth to the Texan secondary for the 2004 season.
Keith Weiland is one wild and crazy guy, but he’s evidently not daft enough to work in references to either of the Father of the Bride films. Steve Martin Home