Get Your ‘O’ Face Ready

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November 23, 2005
Get Your ‘O’ Face Ready

by Keith Weiland

As I watched the Texans lose easily to the Chiefs on Sunday night, I had a thought. Like Fredo to his brother Michael, the Texans are dead to me now. I know. I realized even then that it sounded pretty harsh, so I spent the whole ride home from the game trying to conjure up happy thoughts.

The first image I conjured was Oprah Winfrey’s.

Oprah? Oh man. I need to get out more.

Then it hit me. Oprah Winfrey should be the next general manager of the Texans.

And by “next” I mean that Bob McNair and the Texans need to act now. No waiting. Fire Charley Casserly yesterday to get this woman. She is on a fast track to be the first female President of the United States, so time is of the essence if the Texans want to get to her before the American voters have their shot.

I know what you’re thinking… Why Oprah? Take a seat on the sofa so we can hash this out. I will take questions from the audience after the article.

Oprah has shown she can pander to the stars as easily as she can ask the tough questions. That’s a good thing since she will need to be able to balance both in this job. Who could have handled Terrell Owens situation better, Andy Reid or Oprah Winfrey? Of course it’s Oprah. If she can let Tom Cruise jump on her furniture, she can let T.O. riverdance with pom-poms in the endzone.

Oprah is like the richest person in the world not named Bill Gates, so she is comfortable dealing in terms of millions. She may have been in a movie titled The Color Purple, but trust me, Oprah is all about the color green. And who wouldn’t like to see an episode of her show focused on the new collective bargaining agreement? Two words: ratings bonanza.

And how about these four words? Tina Turner halftime shows.

I bet she knows football like a linebacker, too. Back in her heavier days in the ‘80s, Oprah once steamrolled an intern on set when a production assistant yelled “free donuts”. Oh yeah, she gets what she wants when she wants it. Just wait until Bob McNair yells “left tackle” when the free agency signing period begins.

Everyone knows about Oprah and her commitment to live healthy now. Who doesn’t remember the episode where she tugged out a wagon laden with 67 pounds of lard? Just watch her wheel that Radio Flyer into the Texans locker room. It would teach weight-challenged players like Victor Riley to trade in those Big Macs for Zone Bars.

No one will want to be next in line to ride Oprah’s fat wagon. Not only that, but she’ll also get those guys reading the playbooks by nightlight like they were charter members of her book club.

Oprah should assume the seat next to McNair because she wouldn’t make fans pay for a ticket price increase next season. The woman has given out free cars to the needy. There are no fans more needy than us Houston fans. It has been 12 years since this town last had a winning pro football team.

She has connections, too. Oprah can get Dr. Phil for the Texans training staff. Sweet, right? Dr. Phil would have shamed Tony Boselli back onto the field if he were here two years ago. Just imagine what he would do for Bennie Joppru.

Of course, I do have my concerns with hiring Oprah. Her random acts of kindness would probably mean giving up more draft picks to under-privileged teams like the Raiders in exchange for an overvalued cornerback.

You can’t put a dollar sign on that kind of karma though.

Guests of The Advance Scout stay at the “all-suite” Omni Hotel. Keith Weiland was not paid by Harpo Productions to write this article, but his palm sure is itchy. Oprah Winfrey Oprah Winfrey Home

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