Don’t Read This!

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December 4, 2007
Don’t Read This!

by Bob Hulsey

I must warn you, I have no idea how contageous this is or how easily it can be spread. I have a virus. I picked it up while vacationing over the holidays. I’m not sure exactly when I got it or how but there is definitely something wrong and I’m not sure what to do about it.

All I know is that on Monday night, November 19th, I rooted for the Denver Broncos to defeat the Tennessee Titans, which they did. Since then, every team I have rooted for has lost. Not just my favorite teams or my alma mater. I’m talking about every football team I have taken even a casual rooting interest in over the past two weeks, whether I actually watched the game or not, has lost.

To put this another way, no matter what football game has mattered to you since the holidays, the results were the opposite of what I wanted to happen.

It started on Thanksgiving when I rooted for three underdogs to upset the heavily-favored Packers, Cowboys and Colts. I lost all three but so what? I tend to root for underdogs, like most Americans do other than frontrunning Cowboy fans.

Okay, a lot of people felt the way I did that night – gastronomically full but emotionally unfulfilled. But it didn’t stop there. Later that night, last year’s Cinderella, Boise State, fell to Hawai’i, this year’s Cinderella. You guessed it – I was pulling for the Broncos.

Of course, I rooted for my Longhorns to win the annual grudge match with Texas A&M and sneak into a BCS bowl. Lost. Bad enough to lose but then to watch the Aggies’ dysfunctional head coach resign right afterwards with this cheshire cat grin on his face like a man with a heck of a parachute clause in his contract. Ugh!

With those hopes dashed, I next wanted nothing more than to keep Ohio State and Oklahoma from making it back into the BCS, having endured enough crap from fans of both schools all autumn. First up – LSU versus Arkansas. Great game. Lousy outcome. So how about #2 Kansas the next night? Fallen to Missouri.

A new Top 2 showed up at the doorstep the next weekend. First fell West Virginia and then down went Missouri. Those F—eyes crawled back on top while those nasty Gooners almost made it too. Disgusting! LSU, the most undeserving team ever to reach the national championship game, leapfrogged five teams (including one in their own conference who hadn’t even played that week) to be the opposition.

The pros were no better. The Texans and Broncos both lost each Sunday, Denver blowing a 14-point lead to the Bears to lose a game they should have won easily. I rooted twice for the winless Dolphins. No go. I rooted twice against the undefeated Patriots. No dice.

I’m not trying to say they were all bad games. In fact, some of them were compelling and entertaining right to the bitter end. But I lost every damn time.

I’ve never been a particularly lucky fellow. If I were to have money riding on it, Secretariat would pull up lame, Michael Jordan would shank a slam dunk or Tiger Woods would lip a two-footer. But this is ridiculous.

I’m now on a two-week losing streak like I’ve never been on before. It’s bad. It’s like a recurring nightmare of watching Brad Lidge come in during the bottom of the ninth knowing he was going to blow the save – again. Like the prophets of old, you already knew the end was near and it wasn’t going to be pretty.

If I could drown my sorrow in booze and blondes, maybe I would feel better but they are both out of my price range. There’s only one sure way I know to break the spell. I could hop on a plane to Vegas and wager a grand on every team my teams are playing against. That way, I would walk away either a happy man or a rich one, just not both. If I did that though, with my luck, my teams would finally win and their quarterbacks would be lost for the season.

So, if your team has gone down to defeat these past two weeks, blame me. It’s okay. I’m man enough to take it. And if you need some money to get by this Christmas, ask me who I’m rooting for this weekend and bet the house against me. Whatever disease I have caught, it’s that powerful.

Bob Hulsey warned you not to read this column and you read it anyway. He suggests you consult an exorcist.

Dennis Franchione Dennis Franchione Home

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