The 7th Annual Davey Awards

November 10, 2006
The 7th Annual Davey Awards

by Dave Sabo

The elite are rewarded, the sorry are exposed and the assclowns are mocked. You know the drill.

Midseason MVP, Offense
Nominees: Larry Johnson, Peyton Manning, Donovan McNabb, LaDainian Tomlinson

And the Davey Award goes to: LaDainian Tomlinson. For the second year in a row, LT is simply the most dangerous weapon in the league. He’s the total package, he can do it all, he’s a force to be reckoned with. Name a cliché, it applies to LT. At his current pace, he’ll be just shy of halfway to the criminally undeserving Emmitt Smith’s record 18,355 rushing yards. He’s amazingly resilient, missing only one game in his career. Barring some horrific catastrophe, he’s a sure Hall of Famer.

Midseason MVP, Defense
Nominees: Cato June, Aaron Kampman, Shawne Merriman, Jason Taylor

And the Davey Award goes to: Shawne Merriman. Tough choice between Merriman and Kampman, but the Davey goes to Merriman despite his cheating drug-taking. He was an absolute force of nature before the suspension. It would have been nice to see what an entire season might have looked like.

Rookie of the Half Season, Offense
Nominees: Marques Colston, Marques Colston, Marques Colston, Not Reggie Bush

And the Davey Award goes to: Marques Colston. Whoda thunk that this 7th round afterthought from Hofstra would be the talk of the league? Oh, wait. He ISN’T the talk of the league because sports “journalists” are desperately trying to convince themselves (and us) that Reggie is still the greatest thing since sliced bread. Colston has been phenomenal. It’s a crime that Reggie Bust is still being given credit for the Saint’s resurgence when the difference makers have been Colston, FA QB Drew Brees and new head coach, Sean Payton.

Rookie of the Half Season, Defense
Nominees: Mmark Anderson, A.J. Hawk, DeMeco Ryans, Mario Williams

And the Davey Award goes to: DeMeco Ryans. Ryans has been a revelation. An absolute STEAL in the second round, he’s quarterbacking the defense and is among the league leaders in tackles. He’s transitioned from the outside to the inside more smoothly than anybody had a right to expect and has exceeded the most optimistic expectations. Just a marvelous young player that will only get better.

Coach of the Half Season
Nominees: Bill Belichick, Tony Dungy, Eric Mangini, Sean Payton

And the Davey Award goes to: Sean Payton. Payton’s done a fabulous job in the Big Easy, especially considering how badly they missed on their first round pick. Overcoming the utter disaster that IS Reggie Bush is remarkable, but he’s turned an historically moribund franchise into a contender.

Best Team
Nominees: Indianapolis Colts, Indianapolis Colts, Indianapolis Colts, Indianapolis Colts

And the Davey Award goes to: the Indianapolis Colts. Not that there was much question, but the convincing win over the Pats in Foxboro sealed it. Bill Simmons can whine about easy schedules all he wants, but the Colts are absolutely dominating right now.
(For the record, I made no changes to last year’s “Best Team” category. The above paragraph is exactly what I wrote last year.)

Worst Team
Nominees: Arizona Cardinals, Cleveland Browns, Miami Dolphins, Oakland Raiders

And the Davey Award goes to: the Arizona Cardinals. THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!! That never gets old! Matt Leinart’s gotta be thinking, “I gave up millions for THIS!?” Whether they’re blowing a 22-point lead on MNF or cringing as their head coach has an epic meltdown, the Cards are always winners. Davey Award winners.

Biggest Disappointment
Nominees: Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush

And the Davey Award goes to: Reggie Bush. Have I mentioned that Reggie Bush sucks? And, can we stop pretending that opposing teams keying on him is the reason Brees, Colston and the Saints are so successful? Why would anybody bekeying on him at this point? If I’m an opposing head coach, I’m doing all I can to force Payton and the Saints to beat me with Reggie Bush and his amazing You Tube clips.

Worst Game
Nominees: Seattle vs Detroit, week 1; Kansas City vs Denver, week 2; Tennessee vs Houston, week 8; Houston vs Cleveland, week 17

And the Davey Award goes to: Tennesse vs Houston, week 8. They kicked the “Oilers” asses up and down the field… and then threw a pick or fumbled. Make no mistake, the Texans just are, if not more talented than the “Oilers” at every position except maybe linebacker. They should be looking for some payback come December 10th.

Lamest Fans
Nominees: Jacksonville Jaguars, New York Giants, Oakland Raiders, Washington Redskins

And the Davey Award goes to: the Jacksonville Jaguars. While the pathetic eli10 made a gallant effort at securing the Davey for the Giants, he wasn’t lame enough to overcome those two slack-jawed yokels from Jacksonville that taped themselves at Reliant. Who knew that a backwater like Jacksonville could even BE more embarrassed than it is? Whether mocking the National Anthem or the Make-A-Wish foundation, exhibiting homophobia or blatant racism, or trying to rationalize the utter ass-whooping the Texans administered to that gangload of cheap-shot artists, those two dopes epitomize the average Jags fan.

In What Manner Does Reggie Bush Suck?
Nominees: Completely, Dead Wooly Mammoth, Like a Hoover, So Hard

And the Davey Award goes to: All of the Above. I haven’t been able to verify this, but on local radio this week, I heard that Reggie’s 11 carries for negative five yards was, statistically, the single worst performance by ANY running back IN THE HISTORY OF THE NFL! At this point, anybody trying to argue that he should have been picked #1 overall is, officially, a dumbass.

The Rile Up the Young Worshipers Award!
Nominees: Could ANYBODY else have thrown those three atrocious picks last Sunday? THAT’S what a Vince Young can do for you!

And the Davey Award goes to: Apparently, like confidence, sucking completely is equally contagious as evidenced by Vince inspiring his defense to give up 30 points last week. His shortcomings as a passer accounted for the other seven. All hail Uncle Rico!! If only the Texans had taken him…

The Deion Sanders “Way Past His ‘Primetime’” Award
Nominees: Mark Brunell, Joe Gibbs, Edgerrin James, Kurt Warner

And the Davey Award goes to: Joe Gibbs. Can somebody’s Hall of Fame membership be revoked? The game has passed him by so far, he can’t even be seen in the game’s rearview mirror. The fact that he continues to start the atrocious Mark Brunell (his performance against the Texans was sooooooo embarrassing) while first round pick (a pick the ‘Skins traded up for) Jason Campbell languishes on the bench is reason enough to award him the Davey. Add in his non-existent clock-management and his 25 year-old offensive philosophy and Joe wins this in a landslide.

The Deion Sanders “’Excellence’ in Broadcasting” Award
Nominees: Next season, I’m renaming this the Michel Irvin “’Excellence’ in Broadcasting” Award. And I’ll be awarding it to Michael every year until somebody realizes he’s the worst broadcaster in the history of professional sports and fires his dumb ass.

And the Davey Award goes to: Michael Irvin. Of course, this year’s stunningly ignorant statement was that Tiki Barber was “quitting” on his teammates. The ultimate in hypocrisy. How many games did Michael miss while he was suspended for smoking crack? Again, enjoy not getting into the Hall of Fame this year, assclown. And, apparently, he still has a healthy supply of pimp suits at his disposal.

Dave Sabo wants to rock and roll all night. And party every day.