Super Blog: Dynasty!

February 7, 2005
Super Blog: Dynasty!

by Dave Sabo

1:21 PM While the actual pregame show begins at 2:00 PM, FOX began programming about an hour and a half ago with an NFL Films “Look Behind the Scenes” with Joe Buck, Chris Collinsworth and Troy Aikman. Unfortunately, I’m battling the Mother of All Head Colds and am only functioning thanks to copious amounts of DayQuil, Tylenol, Afrin and Chicken Soup. With that in mind, no way am I going to risk slipping into a coma watching those three dweebs.

Currently, “The Most Un-Watchable Bore-Fest, Period” is on. I flipped over and found Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie still, a year later, desperately trying to turn, “That’s Hot!” into a catch phrase. How did that show guess that those two wastes of space are the two people I would want to see on TV less than Rosanne’s ex-husband? Folks, I can’t take this while all hopped up on the “Q” so, I’m gonna take a hot shower and throw out my prediction.

I’ve drunk the Patriot Kool-Aid. I’ve doubted them at every turn and they just keep on winning. New England covers, Dillon wins MVP, Terrell Owens (TO) isn’t anywhere NEAR 100% and does squat, and Freddie Mitchell goes down as that worthless scrub that uselessly pissed off New England’s secondary and then did nothing in the game.

2:02 PM It’s JB, TB, Howie and JJ! Did Howie not get the “Ugly Tie” memo?

2:03 PM The first mention of “Dynasty” in connection with the Pats. Geez, even I had 2:05 in the pool.

2:11 PM Now I know where I’ve seen Freddie Mitchell before! He used to play bass for Living Colour back in the ’80’s! Wow, a whole feature on TO…and not one word from TO! Genius!

2:24 PM I think we just saw 13 straight minutes of commercials followed by a poem recited by the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass. Or maybe the DayQuil is just kicking in.

2:30 PM Why does every athlete think he can play golf? Is it in their contracts? Now, I’ve heard Trent Green is pretty good and it looks like he knows what he’s doing, but Bettis and Urlacher are utterly pathetic. You’d figure MLB guys would be pretty decent since they have all that time to practice, but NBA guys are too gangly and Lurch-like to be any good. I know it’s got to kill these guys that Al Del Greco is recognized as the best golfer among athletes. Anyway, they’ve somehow managed to get themselves invovlved in the “Hole in One Challenge” or something. MLB is represented by John Smoltz, Royce Clayton and Al Leiter. And, instead of getting some NBA guys to round out the teams, Jacksonville needed to reinforce its title of “Reddest Necked Burg in America” by going the NASCAR route with Elliot Sadler, Rusty Wallace and, my man, Dale Jarret. I’m not gonna go into the whole deal here, but, basically closest to the hole wins money for charity.

2:37 PM Smoltz puts his first shot into the water and begins snivelling like a woman. As usual.

2:40PM Oh, yeah, back to the Super Bowl. You remember, the reason we’re all here. Did we really just spend ten minutes watching John Smoltz hook balls into a lake?

2:52 PM Thankfully, the continuing saga of Rodney Harrison and Mitchell is pretty much drowned out by Eagles fans screeching out their heretofore unknown “fight” song. All I know is that it ends, “Fly, Eagles, fly, On to Victory! E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles!” The funniest ongoing bit here in DC is a local radio shows constant playing of a tape of a bunch of drunk Eagle fans howling this masterpiece out, but when they get to the E-A-G-L-E-S part, they all spell it differently. Everything you’ve heard about Philly fans? All true, only worse.

2:57 PM Man, Randy Jackson, Dawg, Man, introduces, Man, a great talent, Dawg. Man, it’s Kelly Clarkson, Dawg!

3:01 PM Performing in front of, literally, tens of people, Clarkson fills the spot formerly filled by Goo Goo Dolls three years ago. Three years ago, the last time we heard from Goo Goo Dolls. Are you paying attention, Kelly?

3:07 PM Obligatory shout-outs from our troops overseas.

3:14 PM Hey, what happened to the “Deluded Athletes Hole-in-One Challenge”? Seriously, I’d rather get back to bad golf than watch Terry Bradshaw talk to Corkey Manning about french kissing. Gross!

3:23 PM They just replayed the lowest point of Paul McCartney’s life; his “duet” with Terry three years ago.

3:30 PM Golf is back. Smoltz hooks another one horribly and, instinctively, begins whining. Clayton and Bettis are hopeless. Jarret and Green put their shots in the water, but they have decent swings, at least.

3:37 PM Having watched hundreds of hours of NFL Films productions over the last six months, I can tell you that anytime the NFL conducts a “roundtable” discussion, it’s time to change the channel. And, if that ass-clown, Deion Sanders, is involved, you’re allowed to kill him. Jay Glazer, too.

3:38 PM Luckily, the Rockets-Lakers game is on. No offense to that chick that designed the Rockets new gear, but those retro unis they’ve been sportin’ lately would have been a better choice. Gotta get me one. Ooooooh, and if they had ’em with vintage players? Rudy T, Cal, Big E, Mike Newlin, Ed Ratleff…nice! Yao’s on fire and Sura is all over the floor. Nice pick-up and I gotta say the McGrady deal seems to be working out as well. Too bad, Van Gundy is an idiot. Lakers cut the deficit to seven.

3:45 PM Does my thinking Ludacris is completely talentless mean I’m getting old? Probably, huh?

4:01 PM Nice, rousing versions of “Fortunate Son” and “Bad Moon” by John Fogarty. I guess this qualifies as this year’s controversy considering the current administration and that this is FOX.

4:07 PM Back to golf. Smoltz is long into the water. He immediately throws a tantrum and blames honorary coach, Fuzzy Zoeller. I’ve been to four professional golf tournaments. All four were the local stop on the Senior Tour and after the first year, I learned one thing. Always, ALWAYS, follow Lee Trevino. The man kills. One of the funniest guys you’ll ever meet. Has everybody rolling all day long. After watching Fuzzy Zoeller today, I’ve concluded that Fuzzy desperately wants to be Lee Trevino. Not a chance, Fuzzy.

4:09 PM Jarrett wins with his second shot to within 20 feet of the cup. Ten grand to fight breast cancer.

4:14 PM Rockets up by nine with six minutes left in the second.

4:25 PM How bad is Jacksonville? It took the FOX crew 20 minutes to get inside the stadium.

4:27 PM Someone noticed that Dexter Jackson and Larry Brown need work so, we get this feature on Super Bowl corners. Man, they got ALOT of guys to talk about how horribly they got burned in the Super Bowl. Most memorably for me was Plunkett to Kenny King on the little outlet that he turned into an 80-yard TD. Toasted on the play? Current Jets head coach, Herm Edwards.

4:33 PM Rockets up by 11 at the half. Let’s see, should I listen to Walton talk hoops or Jimmy Johnson on the NFL? Could someone just kick me in the groin instead?

4:40 PM Terry, JJ and Howie breaking down film. Terry states that Mitchell will be the difference-maker in this game. Gales of laughter ensue.

4:47 PM Hey, did you know that TO, Mithcell and Donovan McNabb aren’t the only players on the Eagles? This feature on Jevon Kearse is nice, but doesn’t change the fact that the Freak is one-dimensional and hates getting physical. New England will smack him around plenty.

4:54 PM Frank Caliendo. Yo, Frank, stick to the impersonations; specifically, the impersonation of John Madden.

5:02 PM There’s a special place in hell for whoever keeps letting Terry Bradshaw near Paul McCartney. And why does McCartney keep putting up with it? Does Terry have photos?

5:06 PM Seriously, at this point, F#%& TO, F#%& his ankle and F#%& whether he plays or not. I’m so F#%&ing tired of it.

5:12 PM Rockets up 15 with a minute to play in the third. Sura just drove the lane, went up with his left hand, pulled his johnson out, hit the layup for two, drew the foul and then, urinated all over Luke Walton. Luke’s just like his dad only more annoying. Oh, and without the hoops skills.

5:16 PM They’re showing the scum that passes for Philly fans booing McNabb on Draft Day. What a bunch of suckholes. It’s not that I want New England to win as much as I want Philly to lose. Just to ruin these jagoffs whole year.

5:21 PM Tom Brady- Dispelling the myth that nice guys finish last.

5:27 PM Obligatory feature on Tsunami Relief. I’m surprised it took so long. Hey, look everyone! REAL presidents!

5:32 PM On the “WTF!? Scale”, this feature on the Declaration of Independence ranks right up there with the feature on the Constitution that FOX ran three years ago; complete with Hall of Famers (and Warrick Dunn and Bill Cowher) reading off teleprompters. And, three years later, Alan Page, still sucks really bad at it.

5:42 PM The Rockets are desperately trying to throw this game away. Up by two with just under three minutes to go.

5:46 PM First, who’s Gretchen Wilson? Second, I know country artists abandoned singing country MUSIC in favor of pop music about 15 years ago, but when did they start dressing like rappers? And, once again, where do you apply for the job of crazed fan on the field before the Super Bowl?

5:49 PM Luckily, Charlie Daniels saves the day and shows Gretchen what’s what. “Fire on the mountain, run boys run!” And, I’m pretty sure FOX had the snipers ready in case Ol’ Charlie let lose with, “You Sonuvabitch” instead of “You Sonuvagun”.

5:57 PM The Rockets escape with the win over LA, 103-102, after blowing a 16-point lead. GundyBall!! It’s Craptacular!

6:00 PM Super Bowl Time! In about another half hour.

6:05 PM Note to guy doing voice-over for the opening. There’s only one John Facenda. And you ain’t him.

6:13 PM Note to Alicia Keys. There’s only one Ray Charles. And you ain’t him.

6:19 PM Whatever else you think of the New England Patriots, they are the team that saved us from those tedious individual intros.

6:29 PM Boy, I REALLY feel sorry for everybody that will ever have to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl after this. It can’t be done without looking like a prima donna after that!


6:40 PM TO’s first catch.

6:41 PM SACK! And McNabb fumbles. Or does he? Nope, his knee was down. The Eagles challenge and win. Philly dodges a big bullet early.

6:53 PM TO’s second catch. Yeah, squat. He’ll do squat. This game is all defense so far with both teams bringing it from all directions. The running game is non-existent.

7:02 PM McNabb beats the New England blitz and Westbrook picks up the game’s first first down with a 14-yard catch-and-run.

7:07 PM McNabb hooks up with TO for the third time across the middle. Thirty-yard pickup. Squat = 3 for 46.

7:08 PM McNabb throws one up for grabs and is picked off at the goal line by Ashante Samuels.

7:09 PM But he’s bailed out by an illegal contact penalty on Roman Phifer.

7:10 PM After taking an awful 16-yard sack, McNabb heaves up another horrible pass and is picked off by Harrison.

7:17 PM New England goes three and out.

7:21 PM On third down, LJ Smith is held up by Harrison stripped by Randall Gay (that just SOUNDS bad) and the fumble is recovered by Eugene Wilson. Total team effort!

7:22 PM End of the first quarter, it’s NE 0 Philly 0

7:31 PM After two long completions to Todd Pinkston (yes, Todd Pinkston) and a 10-yard romp by Westbrook, the Eagles have New England back on their heels.

7:32 PM Touchdown! McNabb to LJ Smith. Great effort to get open, nice throw by McNabb and nice catch by Smith. TO was totally obliterated on the play. The Patriots got away with one. For the first time in the postseason, New England trails.

7:41 PM Fumble! But, it’ll be cahallenged and overturned. An obvious call. The Patriots seem indifferent to the Eagles drive and are beating Philly’s constant blitzing with dump offs and running off-tackle.

7:46 PM Monster 25-yard run by Dillon.

7:48 PM A rare mistake by New England as Brady fumbles on the play-action fake. Philly recovers and is poised to make a huge statement with a score here.

7:51 PM New England doesn’t even flinch, forcing a three and out.

8:00 PM Touchdown! Brady to Givens. Why is New England so good? They stay poised no matter what. It would have been really easy to get down on themselves after Brady’s fumble, but the defense did it’s job, Brady shook off the mistake and, now, it’s tied.

8:10 PM End of the first half. NE 7 Philly 7
It’s been a defensive struggle for the most part, but the offenses for both teams are finding ways to move the ball. Neither team is folding although either could have at various points. Of course, neither team is grabbing the momentum when either could have.

8:20 PM Ladies and Gentlemen, Paul McCartney! “Drive My Car”

8:22 PM “Get Back” Really good version up until the spoken word part.

8:26 PM “Live and Let Die” A personal favorite. Axl Rose is a nobody now because the rock gods are punishing him for having the gall to cover this with G ‘n R.

8:29 PM “Hey, Jude” Simply amazing. The old guy’s still got it! New rule. You don’t get to perform during Super Bowl halftime until your first album has been out for 20 years.

8:37 PM First half highlights set to U2’s “Sunday, Bloody Sunday”. Very nice.

8:41 PM Eugene Wilson won’t be back. That means I’m next on the Patriots depth chart.

8:49 PM Touchdown! Brady to Vrabel. Just like last year. Vrabel has caught five passes in his career. All five went for touchdowns. Two in the Super Bowl. Not bad…for a linebacker.

Right out of the box, New England marches down and scores, burning Philly on every blitz. Deion Branch was huge on the drive, catching four passes.

8:59 PM New England forces a punt.

9:03 PM And then goes three and out.

9:11 PM Touchdown! McNabb to Westbrook. Philly comes right back with a 10 play, 74-yard drive. They (and New England as well) have pretty much abandoned the run. This could come down to who makes the last mistake.

9:20 PM End of the third quarter. NE 14 Philly 14
No Super Bowl has been tied at halftime and no Super Bowl has been tied after three quarters. Who’s gonna break first?

9:24 PM Touchdown! Dillon on a 2-yard run. Can Philly answer? New England will have to get to McNabb.

9:41 PM Field Goal! Adam Vienatieri. After forcing an Eagles punt, New England began pounding Philly with Dillon and Faulk. The drive stalled at the three and they took their three. It’s now the Pats game to lose.

9:46 PM Teddy Bruschi comes up with a pick on a horribly thrown ball. Barring a total collapse by New England, game over. They’ll ride Dillon and Faulk and they don’t blow 10-point leads. And time’s running.

9:49 PM And then they go three and out.

9:55 PM TO – 9 catches for 122 yards. I…am…a…moron.

10:00 PM Two minute warning. Could somebody let the Eagles know that they’re down by ten? Absolutely no sense of urgency.

10:03 PM So, maybe Philly knows something I don’t. Touchdown! McNabb to Greg Lewis. A rare breakdown by the Patriots secondary thanks to Wilson’s injury. The Eagles HAVE to on-side kick.

10:06 PM New England plays the kick perfectly and recover it easily. It’s up to Dillon and Faulk.

10:11 PM The Eagles force a punt which is downed at the four. Ninety-six yards to go in 46 seconds. Of this, legends are made.

10:12 PM But only if they have a sense of urgency. Does Philly even HAVE a no-huddle offense. Jeebus!

10:13 PM It doesn’t matter. Harrison let’s Freddie Mitchell know he ain’t got nothin’ for him by picking off McNabb’s final pass. Start celebrating your dynasty, New England!

As always, I hate the post-game hoo-ha unless it’s MY team celebrating. My buddy, Mike, from Boston is, again, out of town. He’s three for three for Pats Super Bowl wins, so, I can’t call him. Congrats, anyway, bro. I gotta get this typed up and sent off before I pass out from this head cold. Luckily, this was the worst year ever for SB commercials. The only one that made an impression was the P-Diddy Diet Pepsi commercial. And that’s only cuz I saw it twice. Oh, the 2005 Mustang convertible commercial was pretty good, too.

Well, that’s it from Super Bowl XXXIX. See you in camp!