It Could Be Worse

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November 20, 2002
It Could Be Worse
By Dave Sabo

With Sunday’s disappointing loss to the Jaguars dropping the Texans to 2-8 on the season, I’m sure Cro-Houston Fan will be surly and grumbling this week. Yes, it’s been a rough season to date. The offensive line, believed to be a team strength early on, has been horrific. The running game is non-existent and games have been lost on stupid penalties and bad mistakes. But, ya know what? It could be worse. A lot worse. Taking a look at the other 31 teams in the NFL, one can come up with 31 reasons to remain optimistic about the Texans’ season.

31. Conversing with Dom Capers doesn’t necessitate wearing a spit shield.
30. The highlight of the season isn’t beating an expansion team.
29. They don’t have a quarterback controversy between Jeff Blake and Chris Redman.
28. There’s no animosity between the fans and David Carr.
27. Our overpaid, underachievers are closer to the ends of their contracts than the beginnings.
26. They haven’t lost to an expansion team
25. There’s absolutely NO chance that they’re moving to LA within the next five years or so.
24. We won’t be hearing the Reliant PA announcer utter the phrase, “And at quarterback, #6, Raaaaaaaaaaaaaay Lucas!!”
23. We don’t have to wonder if they traded the wrong quarterback.
22. They play their home games in their own stadium, not the Giants’.
21. Their uniforms don’t look like CFL cast-offs.
20. The average age of the team is well under the mandatory retirement age.
19. At least Carr hasn’t been sacked (and injured) by his own dog. Or his driveway.
18. We can rest assured that Dom Capers won’t burst into tears during his press conferences.
17. We don’t have to worry about giving up a playoff berth to an inferior AFC North or South team.
16. We don’t have to listen to how well they played in Osaka after every loss.
15. At home games, we don’t have to sit next to syphilitic, foul-mouthed drunkards that boo Santa Claus and Easter egg-hunting children.
14. They play their home games in their own stadium, not the Jets’.
13. We don’t have to hide that fact that our once proud franchise is now a league-wide laughingstock by pretending that a long past his prime prima-donna is in the same realm as “Sweetness.”
12. They’re not STILL wearing uniforms that were the brainchild of Jerry Glanville.
11. Our stud rookie can apparently read and comprehend the ingredients of an over-the-counter cold remedy.
10. The Texans are not on the city payroll.
9. They’ve already guaranteed that they won’t go 0 for their first 26.
8. Our view of the action at home games is unobstructed by a huge wedge of foam cheese.
7. They’re not the Minnesota Vikings.
6. Charley Casserly has yet to call anybody a “coward.”
5. We don’t have to drive 125 miles out of town to watch “home” games at Kyle Field while our building undergoes “renovations.”
4. Corey Bradford doesn’t own a “Sharpie.”
3. The Bidwell family has absolutely no connection to the Texans.
2. The decision at quarterback doesn’t come down to a choice between Trent Dilfer and a guy whose claim to fame is that his brother dated Survivor: the Outback‘s Elisabeth.
1. ESPN 2’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback doesn’t refer to them as “The Mouflons.”

Most importantly, however, we need to remember back to what we were doing on Sunday afternoons at this time last year. I’ll take 2-8 over “I guess I’ll watch the Bengals game because I’ve got Corey Dillon on my fantasy team” every day of the week. Thanks again, Bob McNair.

Dave Sabo is headin’ out to the highway. He’s got nothin’ to lose at all. He’s gonna do it his way, take a chance before he falls. Bill Cowher Bill Cowher Return to Houston Pro Football If you have a question, comment or suggestion, contact Dave Catch up on past installments of The Armchair Quarterback