September 13, 2002
America, You Can Have ‘Em
By Dave Sabo
Well, well, well.
What happened, front-runners? Hm? Judging by the looks on the tear-stained faces of the two mouth-breathers in Aikman jerseys (hell, I’d be embarrassed to buy a Qunicy Carter jersey, too) who shuffled out of our section amid a hail of catcalls and derisive laughter after the late safety, reality has set in among the dallas “faithful.” The simple fact of the matter, losers, is that the best NFL team in the state of Texas resides in Houston. The Texans are “Texas’ Team.”
Last Sunday’s crushing victory over the Cryboys has been satisfying on so many levels that it’s difficult to know where to begin. I mean, there are so many individuals down, whom do you kick first? How ’bout Ol’ Yella Teeth? Watching that ignorant windbag take the walk of shame off the Reliant Stadium field brought great joy, yes, but also a feeling of satisfaction. Satisfaction in knowing that any greatness the Cryboys have ever had is looooooong gone and satisfaction in knowing that the ignoramus solely responsible for their plight is completely oblivious to the fact that he is solely responsible for their plight.
Isn’t that the best part? Watching that walking plastic surgery disaster blather his way through Monday’s press conference, I was struck yet again by how galactically stupid he is and how unaware he is of his stupidity. If football acumen were gasoline, he wouldn’t have enough to drive a piss-ant’s motorcycle halfway around a gumball. It’s mind-boggling that he can sit there and accept responsibility for bringing the Cryboys to the lowest point in their 42-year history and still think that he can turn them into winners. It is denial on a monstrous scale. And it NEVER fails to make me laugh out loud.
I called his office (really) to give him the opportunity to explain why he insists on functioning as GM and de-facto head coach of that team when it’s readily apparent to anybody with a pulse that he has absolutely no clue as to what he’s doing. Predictably, he was out of his office (rumors that he was out getting the new wrinkles in his surgically altered face spackled could not be confirmed) and has failed to respond. Coward.
Which brings me to Cryboy “fans.” Where were they? All the media outlets in little d assured us that Reliant Stadium would be overrun with Cryboy fans. Through four hours of tailgating and a complete circuit of both the upper and lower concourses, I counted 37 different people in Cryboy jerseys. Sure, perhaps not every dallas fan was wearing Cryboy colors. I mean, after they budget for crack and gay porn, there’s not always enough in the ol’ checkbook for team apparel, but still. This certainly wasn’t the onslaught we were promised.
Of course, that didn’t stop them from running their mouths for about a minute and 14 seconds anyway. Oh, we heard about the Super Bowls and Tom Landry and how things USED to be. But, that was then and this is now, Tom Landry’s passed on and the last Super Bowl was in a different century. In 2002, the Cryboys 5 Super Bowls and 99 cents will get you a couple of tacos at Jack-in-the-Box.
So, their heroes took the beatdown from a team that they assured us was not even in the same league as the Cryboys. At least they got something right. Maybe in 2006 when they meet at the Stadium at Irving (or Texans Stadium, if you prefer; or Reliant North or That Obsolete Dump in the Middle of Nowhere or The Home of the NFL’s Laughingstock) they won’t have to change into Texans gear ala the pathetic turd that claims to be the Cryboys number one “fan” in order to avoid the humiliation of identifying oneself as a passenger on America’s Bandwagon. Maybe by that time, they could scrape together enough talent to at least make a game of it. Highly doubtful with the buffoons running the show up there, but the tens of fans that still lack the self-esteem to root for a REAL football team need SOMETHING to look forward to, right?
Of course, that would necessitate somebody other than Dave Campo “coaching” this embarrassment of a team. The players would miss him and the neat-o way he draws up those plays in the dirt with a stick and every buffet in the Metroplex would feel the financial pinch if he were given the old heave-ho, but Ol’ Yella Teeth needs a winner. He could hire special team coach Joe Avezanno, he did wonders with the Dallas Yella Dawgs, or whatever the ridiculous name of that ridiculous team in that ridiculous minor league is. The again, he’s got more character than Ol’ Yella Teeth and that’s what did in Jimmy Johnson and everybody’s favorite big, dumb Okie, Barry Switzer. Their new coach would have to be a sackless marionette with zero reputation, devoid of personality and lacking in self-respect. Oh wait, I just described Dave Campo.
Look, who am I trying to kid? It’s hopeless and Cryboy fans know it. In four years, Houston should just be hitting their stride while that gangload of chumps in little d will be recalling the glory days of 5-11. Ol’ Yella Teeth better shift his campaign for his 100,000 seat stadium into overdrive. By 2006, he’s gonna need the extra space to accommodate all the Texans fans making the trip to see another Cryboy evisceration.
The dallas Cryboys. America’s Team. What a pathetic joke. They’re not even Texas’ team. And at the rate they’re sucking, before long, they probably won’t even be dallas’ team. Eat it, losers!
Dave Sabo is still hoarse from laughing at the two buffoons in Aikman jerseys in his section last Sunday. Additionally, he’s got a slightly torn rotator cuff from pelting them with rocks and garbage. He’s listed as day-to-day.