The Longest Day

February 6, 2002
The Longest Day
By Dave Sabo
HoustonProFootball.com

(Editor’s Note: Dave, God bless him, had this article in our email box early Monday morning. Unfortunately, we were out of town Monday and Tuesday, so it’s our fault it’s a tad late, not Dave’s. Just FYI.)

12:37 The day is already off to a horrible start. It turns out that not a single grocery store in the Greater Frederick Metropolitan Area carries “Ro-Tel.” Great, no queso. I’m not happy.

1:30 FOX opens its coverage of Super Bowl XXXVI with a montage of NFL greats in action which will lead into the 19th Annual All-Madden Team Awards.

1:36 The only Oiler highlight is Earl’s run against the Rams where he drills that Ram linebacker directly in the chest. They jump cut before the part where he drags 5 guys for 10 yards until his jersey disintegrates. One of the greatest runs ever.

1:40 When did Pat Summerall get so puffy? He’s lookin’ a lot like a post-rehab Matthew Perry. Madden’s getting those “old man” eyebrows, I see. I know Summerall’s really bitter about getting the ax, but it’s time. While he is slipping, it hasn’t gotten Harry Caray-embarrassing yet, so he goes out on a good note.

1:49 Another one of those Dennis Franz Nex-Tel commercials. Can somebody explain to me how I’m supposed to believe that Franz’s Sipowitz is supposed to be a New York cop with that OBVIOUS Chicaaaaaago accent? Jeez, he could be the lost Super Fan from the old SNL skits.

1:54 A feature on the Bears defense is billed as “The Bear Witch Project.” Yeah, somebody missed the boat on that one by about 3 years.

1:57 We get the first sighting of US military personnel, a couple of guys fighting over MRE’s. Man, MRE’s get a bad rap. Outside of the Chicken a la King, the Tuna Casserole and the Omelet with Ham, the other 9 varieties were actually pretty good. And if the DoD ever decided to market the Chocolate Cookie Bars, I’d buy ’em by the case. The biggest problem was the lack of variety. Regardless, they were about a thousand times better than K rats, which were basically a big Swanson Hungry Man entrée for 60. REALLY vile.

2:15 A commercial for Voice-Stream wireless starring Jamie Lee Curtis. Have you noticed how Jamie Lee’s career went in the crapper after she decided to stop taking off her top in movies? Did she learn nothing from Sharon Stone? I liked the commercial, though, where they strap the cell phone to the sleepwalking guy’s chest so they can track him and try to wake him up.

2:19 They showed the Bear’s Keith Traylor and his playoff interception return again. I swear, that never gets old. Nothing funnier than a lineman sprinting more than 10 yards. And, contrary to popular belief, Chris Berman blathering, “Rumblin’, bumblin’ stumblin’!” over the footage makes it not the least bit funnier. I’d say it actually detracts from the occasion.

2:25 Bruce Matthews highlights set to Steve Miller’s “Time Keeps On Slipping.” Beautiful. Just beautiful.

2:30 There’s a feature on St. Louis OL’s Orlando Pace, Andy McCollum and Adam Timmerman. The gist is that with a good offensive line, the sum is greater than it’s parts and good offensive linemen make each other better. I thought about an article I read over on ColtsPower.com that laid out a nightmare scenario (for Colts fans) wherein the Texans pick up three of their linemen in Free Agency thus installing three-fifths of an experienced O-Line that’s been together and knows each other. A stretch for sure, but intriguing. I’ve been lurking over at ColtsPower recently. Good site and smart fans that will actual consider the possibility that their team might have weaknesses.

2:37 If you’ve never actual witnessed a television show “jump the shark”; FOX is conveniently promoting the “Columbine” episode of Boston Public.

2:44 Al Davis quote: “Before the All-Madden Team, there were the Oakland Rayduhs.” I’d pay to see somebody kick Al Davis directly in the groin.

2:46 Ex-Raiders Phil Villapiano and Dave Casper show up on the set to…I don’t know…annoy me? I’ve always thought Villapiano was a tool, but never so much since I saw an NFL Films production about the Immaculate Reception. Phil says that during the officials discussion of the play he overheard the ref ask the head of security at Three Rivers what sort of protection his crew could expect if they said the ball had bounced off of Frenchy Fuqua thus, under the rules then, nullifying the reception. When told they’d have no protection, he threw his arms up and said the touchdown stood. At the time that production was filmed it had been, like, 25 years since the play and Villapiano was still bitching about it. Hey, Phil, maybe if that criminal, Jack Tatum, had been more concerned about making a play on the ball and not decapitating Fuqua, you wouldn’t have to make up stories about referees.

2:51 Hershey’s Million Dollar Kick hosted by Jimmy Kimmel. If you met Jimmy Kimmel would you exchange pleasantries before punching him in the mouth or not? One lucky winner gets to kick a 30-yard field goal for a million bucks. Wide left. Thanks for playing, Scott Norwood. He did get a big, over-sized check for ten grand and a five-pound Hershey bar.

3:00 The All-Madden Team Show ends about an hour and forty-five minutes after it should have.

3:17 The upstairs toilet overflowed. What’d I miss?

3:19 We now go live to the Official NFL Tailgate Party. Could somebody please explain The Barenaked Ladies to me? They’re every local bar band I’ve ever seen play and I don’t mean that in a good way. Now that Phish has apparently broken up (or not; who cares?), they now have the most annoying fans on earth.

3:25 MMMMMMMMMM. Jiiiiiiiilian Baaaaaaaarbarie. On Bourbon Street, no less.

3:27 We catch No Doubt as they break into their latest single “Hey Baby.” This is easily the worst song they’ve ever produced. And I’ve heard old demos. Nevertheless, Gwen Stefani is quite the tomato. I’ll never understand why she insists on making herself look as heinous as possible. What’s up with the “ABBA” hair extensions?

3:30 Gwen and the boys mount a huge comeback with “Spider Webs.” Nice performance. And in the front row, two guys sportin’ Texans gear! Sweet!

3:35 Have you seen these “MLife” commercials? They all end with the question, “What is MLife?” All I know is that they better give us the answer today. I’m not visiting their stupid website on principal alone.

3:38 Let’s hear it for the “Madden 2002 Cyberstrator!” Great idea! They use Madden 2002 to demonstrate plays. I see they stole my kick return strategy whereby you line up to return it to the left, run directly toward the middle of the pack and at the last moment cut hard to the right. If you time it just right, huge return.

3:57 FOX does a piece on the Pats’ Joe Andruzzi and his three firefighting brothers. It’s a marvelous story, but I enjoyed it more three months ago when I read it in Sports Illustrated. Give it a look. It’s a nice piece of writing.

4:02 Okay, apparently, FOX has gone through recent back issues of Sports Illustrated as they now present a feature on Lt. Bob Kalsu who, in the early 70’s, took a little time off from his day job as a linemen for the Bills to go fight the Vietnam War. He was killed during an attack on his firebase. Think about that for a second. An NFL lineman VOLUNTEERED to go fight a war. The FOX feature was good, but William Nack’s article in SI was amazing. Check it out if you get the chance.

4:10 Andy Richter has his own sitcom? Satan’s working overtime.

4:15 We’re LIVE with the Armed Forces Network in Kandahar! And some trooper just asked his girl to marry him! It’s something, like, 3:15 AM over there and the kickoff isn’t for another two and a half hours.

4:26 Another of the endless promos for That ’80’s Show. That ’80’s Show sucks in much the same way that That ’70’s Show doesn’t. MMMMMMMMM. Laaaaaaaaaura Preeeeeeeeepon.

4:30 Madden sits down with Martz and Belichick. There was a nice story in the Washington Post a couple of days ago on Martz. He wanted to be a coach since he was ten; his dad coached at Navy and Martz was QB coach under Norv Turner with the Redskins. Like you care.

4:41 I just learned that Chris Collinsworth owns a Porsche. I went and looked up the term “Porsche Guy” in Webster’s. It says, “Not Chris Collinsworth.”

4:50 Did you know Marshall Faulk is from New Orleans and used to hawk popcorn at the SuperDome? Where have you been the last week? Under a rock? Does FOX really think we haven’t heard this story a hundred times already?

5:04 Pam Oliver perfectly illustrates why I hate pre-game shows. She asked Belichick how he and the Pats plan to stop Marshall Faulk. Belichick gives her a 45-second response in which he heaps praise on Faulk, says, “We’re going to have to keep an eye on him” and gives absolutely NO insight on how they plan to stop him. Oliver doesn’t even notice. Why bother?

5:17 Had to make a trip to the store. MMMMMMMMM. Liiiiiiiiiiiitle Smooooooookies. What’d I miss?

5:22 Terry Bradshaw chats with Brady and Bledsoe. Does anybody have any idea what either of them said? I was too distracted by the fact that Terry was wearing a beret. Yes, a beret.

5:28 A patriotic number by Barry Manilow, Yolanda Adams (who?), James Ingram, Patti LaBelle and Wynona. Yeah, just the one name, Wynona. When the hell did that happen? So, it’s Sting, Prince, Madonna and Wynona? There are people in her own family that are more deserving of being identified by one name than she.

Two years ago, this pre-game slot was given to KISS. They did “Rock and Roll All Night” in full make-up and costumes. They had the full on light and pyrotechnic show with the full stage set-up. On the field, also in full make-up and going buck wild like only local strippers can, were about 500 local strippers. I remember watching that and thinking, “This is getting beamed to every country in the world and right now some guy in Outer Mongolia is flipping on his TV to watch the world’s premier sporting event. What he gets, however; is 4 guys in their mid-40’s in Kabuki make-up and 7-inch leather platform boots playing full-on rock and roll while 500 half-naked, silicone-enhanced and similarly made-up nubiles gyrate wildly around them. The whole place is exploding and he’s got to be wondering just what they hell this is all about.” Man, I love America!

5:36 FOX goes all “A&E” on us with a feature on the Founding Fathers and the Declaration of Independence. Past and present NFL stars will take turns reading the Declaration.

5:45 It’s painfully obvious that Alan Page is reading off a teleprompter.

5:54 Okay, they’re losing me with the tribute to Honest Abe so, I flip over to FOX SportsNet and the Maryland – NC State Game. The Terps are on a 15-4 run to go up 70 to 59. NC State head coach…um, let’s call him, Marv… Sendek just went ballistic and gets tee’d up. His head looks as if it may explode. Nothing like watching the Wolfpack take a beatin’.

6:02 Office Depot runs a commercial featuring curling, an actual Winter Olympic sport. Tell me this isn’t a made up sport: You push a big smooth rock with a handle down the ice, shuffleboard-style, while two other guys skate slowly in front of it while sweeping the ice like maniacs with some whisk brooms. My rommates and I made up a ton of ridiculous games while drunk in college (one involved a shopping cart, a sterno log and the hill on Bowers Blvd. by the stadium at Sam Houston) and nobody turned any of THEM into Olympic Sports!

6:05 FOX shifts gears from “A&E” to “VH-1” with the Paul McCartney tribute and Paul’s performance of “Freedom”. How friggin’ great must it be to be Paul McCartney? If you just took his solo career and the work he did with Wings, he’s in the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame and done better than about 95% of the music industry. But, he was in a little band called the Beatles, too. When you sit and think about it, he’s been unbelievably successful. He owns a castle. He’s been knighted. He’s worth more then the GNP of most third-world countries. Being Paul McCartney has got to kick all kinds of ass.

6:15 Madden says something about how the gap between winning and losing a championship game, while huge in all sports, is greatest in the NFL with the Super Bowl. He’s got that right.

6:30 The National Anthem. I just KNOW that Mariah desperately wants comparisons to be made between her rendition and Whitney’s “Gulf War” effort. Sorry Mariah, it ain’t gonna happen and it didn’t. Whitney caught lightning in a bottle. You can’t produce moments like that, they just happen. All in all though, a very nice performance with only her dolphin-like shriek on the word “free” and extending the word “brave” from one sustained note to 47 different ones marring it. I thought the live recreations of the Iwo Jima and Ground Zero flag-raisings were fantastic.

6:35 My better half walks in, takes one look at Summerall and Madden and says, “Hey those two look like the old guys that sat up in the balcony on ‘The Muppet Show’?!” I hate it when she’s funnier than I am.

6:37 The Rams win the toss and elect to receive.

6:43 Pam Oliver interviews the Pats Troy Brown. Brown says, “Ya know” 112 times in 30 seconds.

6:44 KICKOFF!! Yo Murphy is one broken tackle from ending this thing in the first 15 seconds.

6:45 Yo Murphy, Lawyer Milloy, Tabuckey Jones… only in the NFL, folks, only in the NFL.

6:49 The Rams are getting open and Warner’s hitting them. But the Pats are just absolutely DRILLING them on every play. Rams punt.

6:55 MMMMMMMMMMM. Briiiiiiiiiiitneeeeeeeeeey.

7:00 Is there anybody in the NFL right now who can just stand there and deliver the ball while taking the shot better than Kurt Warner? That was a simply beautiful completion to Bruce a split second before getting crushed. He’s already bleeding.

7:04 Pats D holds again. Wilkins kicks a 50-yard FG.

7:14 Great play by Grant Wistrom covering the back out of the backfield. He bumps him off his route and has the speed to cover him. Totally disrupted the play. And he’s a DE, folks.

7:16 End of the 1st: Rams 3, Pats 0

7:25 The Pats D has been stellar. They’ve given up yardage, but have managed to make the big stop when necessary. Like now. Wilkins misses a 52-yarder.

7:26 If nothing else, the new Lipton Brisk Iced Tea commercial has a ton of celebrities in it. That doesn’t change the fact that Brisk is putrid.

7:35 The Pats get the first break of the game. Mike Vrabel hits Warner just as he’s releasing the ball which a) makes me look like a doof after my 7:00 entry and b) forces Warner to throw behind Bruce. Ty Law takes the pick in for an easy six.

7:42 Warner fumbles the snap, picks it up and hits Az Hakim for a first down. If that play had happened to the Oilers back in the Moon glory days, Warren would have kicked it around, picked it up, thrown an interception and pulled a hammy. The Pats would then go on to win, 62-3.

7:45 After Lawyer Malloy bobbles and drops a sure interception, Troy Brown fair catches the ensuing punt with the nearest Ram about 15 yards away. Total lack of concentration.

7:53 We get a shot of former NY mayor Rudy Giuliani. Despite the job he did in the wake of 9/11, he still strikes me as a pompous ass.

7:58 The Patriots create break number two. They’ve been constantly punishing Rams receivers at every opportunity. I mean, just unloading on them. Antwan Harris separates Ricky Proehl from the ball with less than two minutes to go in the first half.

8:03 If you took the Rams and gave the 13 points, it’s officially time to worry. Brady hits David Patten in the endzone. Big upset’s a-brewin’!

8:09 Halftime: Pats 14, Rams 3 Wow. Stunning, just stunning. The Rams will have to mount the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history.

8:18 Bono recreates his walk-through-the-crowd-to-the-stage from the VMA’s. U2 hasn’t been the same since Bono realized that he’s a “rock star” and decided he liked it. I still cannot reconcile the fact that the same band that wrote “I Will Follow” and “Sunday Bloody Sunday” is the same band that also wrote tripe like “Lemon.” I still have not forgiven them for everything they’ve done since “Joshua Tree.” Well, “Beautiful Day” is a step in the right direction and they’re doing a fine rendition.

8:31 I’m speechless. I take back everything I just wrote. That’s the U2 I’ve been missing for the last 12 or 13 years. I’m ALWAYS amazed when a band can evoke the kind of emotion that they just did. If that did not move you, then you have no soul. Chills, man. That gave me chills.

8:35 How bad must it suck to be Paul McCartney? You’re a vegan, Yoko freakin’ Ono is too big a bitch to let you put your name before John’s on “Yesterday” and everywhere you go, some moron like Terry Bradshaw wants you to sing along while he mangles “A Hard Day’s Night!”

8:43 The Rams force a punt on the first drive. Now wouldn’t be a bad time to make some kind of statement to ensure that this thing doesn’t get out of hand. With that offense, they’re still very much in it.

8:50 Another Rams drive fizzles. Punt.

8:59 Pats punt.

9:01 After a 12-yard carry on 1st down, Warner calls a timeout; the Rams’ second. There are still 6 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. Do you get the feeling this is gonna turn around and bite ’em in the ass?

9:08 Torry Holt falls down and Otis Smith gets the easy pick. NOTHING has gone St. Louis’ way this evening. The Pats have played mistake-free ball and have capitalized on everything the Rams have given them.

9:12 Adam Vinatieri puts New England up by 14 with a 37-yard FG.

9:15 End of the 3rd: Pats 17, Rams 3. I want to call my buddy, Mike. He’s from Marshfield, MA, south of Boston, and a huge Pats fan. I want to call him, but I don’t want to jinx it.

9:24 The Rams use their third, and final, timeout. It’s fourth and goal from the New England 3. They’re going for it. This could be the game.

9:25 Warner scrambles! Stops! Pumps! He’s going for it! Hit! Fumble!!!! Jones picks it up!!! He’s gone! He’s gone! It’s over! It’s over! It’s over! Can you believe it?! The Pats have iced… huh? Flag.

9:26 Pats LB Willie McGinest gets called for absolutely mugging Marshall Faulk out of the backfield. No question it’s the right call, no question. This is huge. Not only is it half the distance, it’s an automatic first down. McGinest must be dying.

9:32 Warner sneaks in from the two. A 14-point turnaround. New England had it won and instead of a 24-3 lead, the Pats are staring at what should be a HUGE shift in momentum.

9:37 Yup. New England goes three and out.

9:50 Starting at their own 7, the Rams are driving hard until Warner takes a horrible 15-yard sack. They punt.

9:53 The Rams’ D holds, but they’ve paid for burning all their timeouts by allowing the Pats to run the clock.

9:55 The punt takes a St. Louis bounce and they’ll start at their own 45 with 1:51 left.

9:57 Pass to Hakim, out of bounds, first down.

9:58 Pass to Murphy, out of bounds, first down.

9:59 Pass to Proehl, out of bouOHMANWHATAMOVE!!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT!!?? DID YOU SEE THAT!!?? Ricky Proehl just made as fine a juke as I’ve ever seen and went in for the tying TD. I smell overtime and it’ll be the Rams’ game to lose.

10:06 I just stopped writing. You saw it, so you don’t need me to rehash it. Suffice it to say, Tom Brady just showed why Bill Belichick had so much faith in him. He drove the Pats into field goal range and Adam Vinatieri kicked the game winner as time ran out. The last quarter of that game was as good as it gets in the NFL. I don’t remember Joe Namath’s guarantee in Super Bowl III, but this has GOT to be as big an upset as that. Just an outstanding effort by New England. Forget team wins, this was an organization win. Belichick came up with a perfect game plan and his guys ran it to perfection. They played nearly flawless football. What an effort.

The post-game went on for almost an hour, but I paid little attention to it, I’m afraid. I guess everyone was spared Warner’s “I’d like to thank my Lord and Savior” speech. How come everyone thanks God when they win, but no one ever blames Him when they lose? Brady won MVP, but that could have gone to a number of guys: Milloy, Vinatieri, even Atowain Smith. But something tells me nobody on that team was too concerned about that last night. Nor was I. Post game shows are far less interesting when it’s not your team. I tried to call my buddy, Mike, again and found out he had to leave on short notice for business. He missed the game. I’m sure he’s crushed. And who could blame him? But, I think he’ll get over it once he realizes that his Pats are Super Bowl Champions. And for that columnist I was railing on last week: Congratulations, buddy, the Patriots just joined the ranks of the elite.

Dave Sabo is an Archives Specialist with the National Archives and Records Administration. A native of Spring, TX and a life-long Oiler fan now languishing in the heart of Redskins country (Laurel, MD), Dave is utterly convinced that ‘Skins owner, Daniel Snyder, is, indeed, the anti-Christ. Adam Vinatieri Return to Houston Pro Football If you have a question, comment or suggestion, contact Dave Catch up on past installments of The Armchair Quarterback