I Can’t Believe I Watched the Whole Thing…

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October 16, 2001
I Can’t Believe I Watched the Whole Thing…
By Dave Sabo

Oh, man, was that ugly!

I haven’t seen the Nielsens for last night’s Monday Night Football, but I imagine that they will be XFL-ian. Up against Game 5 of the ALCS, which involved the Yankees, why would anybody watch the Redskin-Cowboy travesty? Well, I did have Joey Galloway playing for my fantasy team and I do hate the Yankees…. Besides, I really needed a good laugh. I got one and more.

Before recounting events from the Stadium at Irving, could somebody please tell me what on earth ABC was thinking? Who’s in charge of scheduling for Monday Night Football, Li’l Danny and Ol’ Yella Teeth? This game was a dog when it was foisted upon us last season. Are we honestly expected to believe that, after watching the grab-asstic farce that was the off-season for both Dallas and Washington, somebody at ABC with an annual salary well into six figures said, “Yep, still a marquee match-up!” Hey, imbeciles! It’s a very simple equation: Dallas + Washington + Monday Night = three hours of pure, unadulterated suck.

How bad was it? Oh, it was bad. Before it even started, Cryboys kicker, Tim Seder, was nearly trampled by a horse. Dallas’ first series ended with Anthony Wright horribly under-throwing Galloway who had Deadskins rookie CB, Fred Smoot, beaten by a good five yards.

Speaking of Smoot, what a freakin’ tool this guy is. Evidently, he’s created a website on which he posts, for all to see, favorite quotes of his. HIS OWN FAVORITE QUOTES!! He plays in front of Darrell Green, one of the greatest defensive backs ever and pretty much the definition of the word “class,” but does Smoot choose to receive his mentoring from Green? Of course not. His first day in camp, he requests number “21” and calls his good buddy, Deion Sanders, who, at the time was gloating about the $8 million he was going to steal from the ‘Skins by not playing. Somebody needs to tell Fred that emulating an ass-clown like Deion only works if you’ve got the goods.

So, Dallas punts and, literally, milliseconds into the ‘Skins first possession, Tony Banks fumbles the snap and ABC runs a computer graphic depicting Washington’s inability to execute more than 50% of their snaps complete with sound effects. In his box, Li’l Danny’s head explodes and it’s at this point that a ’72 VW Beetle rolls out of the tunnel and disgorges a multitude of hand-springing clowns as calliope music blares over the sound system.

Laugh? I nearly died.

The rest of the game was played just as incompetently. For the record, Dallas won, 9 to 7, on a last second Seder field goal. Seder, despite missing 2 of 5 field goal attempts, was the Star of the Game, but that’s pretty much like being named valedictorian of summer school. About the best thing these two collections of scrubs can take from this game is that it prevents the Cryboys from going 0-16 and for the DeadskinsÂ… well, if they take ANYTHING positive from this game it’s that they’re deeper in denial that I thought.

Statistically, this is the single worst start in the history of the NFL. Through their four games preceding Monday night, Washington had lost all four and were outscored 135 to 25. It’s true that two teams actually have had a worse scoring differential after 4 games. Those two teams? Rochester and Louisville. Did you get that, folks? Rochester and Louisville. What? You don’t recall Rochester and Louisville’s NFL teams? That’s because they both had the common courtesy to fold up the tents and disband after embarrassing themselves after four games. This occurred sometime during the Andrew Jackson administration.

What I’m getting at here is that we are witnessing futility at an historic level. How bad are the Deadskins? They’re bad. Reeeeeeal bad. Expansion season Tampa Bay Bucs bad. They’re so bad that they had — listen to me, now — RICHARD SIMMONS making fun of them at the top of the broadcast. This team (and I’m dead serious on this one) has an excellent shot at being the first ever 0-16 team. And they’ll set a record for point differential doing it.

The puny brains over at ABC better wake up and pull their heads out. I’ve got some news for the Einstein’s over there that believe this is still a compelling rivalry: nobody beyond the city limits of either city gives a damn about these two teams anymore and they haven’t since the mid-to-late ’80’s. Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumb have turned two storied franchises into, hands down, the worst teams in the NFL today. What could ABC have possibly been thinking?

As Texans fans, we should rejoice. Both of these shambling wrecks are on the Texans’ schedule next season. Both of them are still paying obscene amounts of money to guys like Deion that are no longer playing, thus prohibiting them from upgrading through free agency. The again, all the money in the world really wouldn’t help much since personnel decisions are being made by the aforementioned Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumb, who, between them, could write everything they know about running an NFL franchise on the back of a matchbook cover with a crayon.

If Li’l Danny is dumb enough to keep Marty Schottenheimer as head coach and Ol’ Yella Teeth can’t figure out that Quincy Carter is a looooooong way off and continues to start him, there is the very real possibility that both of these teams might actually be worse next year. Worse and very beatable by a carefully built expansion team. Which bodes well since the Texans are probably gonna get absolutely WORKED within their division (although I notice Bud’s clowns are reverting to form). Man, how great would that be on opening day? Reliant Stadium filled to overflowing, the whole place rocking and here come the Cryboys fresh off a 1-15 season, ripe for the picking!

Somebody get ABC on the phone!

Dave Sabo recently made the move from Laurel to Frederick (AKA Fredneck), MD where he spent every dime he owns (plus a whole lotta dimes he doesn’t) on a house. If you know of a good contractor, contact him at [email protected]. Tim Sedar Tim Sedar Return to Houston Pro Football If you have a question, comment or suggestion, contact Dave Catch up on past installments of The Armchair Quarterback