December 13, 2001
What’s In A Name?
By Dave Sabo
HoustonProFootball.com
I was talking with the guys at lunch yesterday and the subject of the Lions horrible season came up. Somebody wondered aloud who the Lions last great QB had been and the consensus was that it was Hall of Famer, Bobby Layne (yeah, we had to go back THAT far). It was at that point that I said it’s a good thing that Layne retired before the merger and the advent of the Super Bowl because he might have destroyed my theory that nobody whose name ends in “y” will ever win a Super Bowl.
Yeah, I’ve got a lot of free time on my hands, what’s it to you?! At least hear me out.
First, to be a bit more specific, when I say ends in “y”, I mean ends in “y” and sound like “ee”. For example, last year’s Super Bowl losing quarterback and designated roadkill, Kerry Collins. I knew going in that the Giants were doomed. A guy with a name like Kerry isn’t going to win you a Super Bowl. Neither is a guy named Bubby. And (sorry, Ags) Bucky won’t either.
Now, I’m sure many of you are asking, “Dave, don’t you remember some big redneck named Terry winning FOUR of the damned things in the ’70’s, you friggin’ moron?”
Of course I do and that brings me to the exception (EVERY rule has an exception). Terry is not going to win you a Super Bowl. UNLESS, he’s got someone named “Mean Joe” on his side. Mean Joe is one bad mother. Mean Joe trumps all. Mean Joe will win you a Super Bowl. Terry is just along for the ride. Actually, Terry usually gets beaten up for his lunch money and if he’s smart, sooner or later, he’ll hook up with Gordie, Stu, Guy, Yvon and Michel and learn how to wield a hockey stick.
But, I digress.
No, Terry won’t win you a Super Bowl without a Mean Joe. Even Pittsburghers agree. Or at least they did back in the ’70’s. The big knock on Terry Bradshaw coming out of Louisiana Tech was that he was dumb. He didn’t do much to dispel those thoughts early in his career. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen on NFL Films was the look on his face after a local reporter asked him, quote, “Terry, are you really THAT dumb?” They chose to embrace the biggest coward in football, Franco Harris, rather than Bradshaw
Eventually, the Steelers built the “Steel Curtain” and acquired Lynn Swann and John Stallworth who both made Terry look like a Hall of Famer by performing the acrobatics required to haul in Terry’s horribly thrown passes. They won 4 Super Bowls and now Terry’s in the Hall and judging from the FOX pre-game show, he’s still THAT dumb.
This theory of mine actually grew from an earlier theory that began way back in January of 1974, right before Super Bowl VIII. I was about a week short of my fifth birthday and the Super Bowl was being played in Houston at Rice Stadium. It was a pretty big deal even back then and it’s the first Super Bowl of which I have any recollection. One of my most vivid memories was Minnesota quarterback Fran Tarkenton being referred to as “Frannie”. Frannie? FRANNIE?! Jeez, even at five years old I knew that Frannie wasn’t gonna do anything. He had a solid game and actually outplayed Bob Griese, but at the end of the day, Bob and the Dolphins hoisted the Lombardi Trophy. Of course, they had a ton of help from Larry (Czonka)
By now, some of you have checked your Super Bowl history and are saying, “Dave, Johnny U. and the Colts won Super Bowl V, you idiot!” Wrong again. Dallas was KILLING Unitas and put him on the sidelines late in the second quarter. Earl Morral came on in relief and the Colts came back from 10 down to win. Theory holds.
From Super Bowl VIII on, my theory was that you had to have a “manly” name to win the Super Bowl. This theory held until 1993. From 1967 to 1992; Bart, Len, Earl, Roger, Bob, Mean Joe, Ken, Phil, Doug, Jeff and Mark all won Super Bowls. Also 3 Joes and 2 Jims won Super Bowls. Actually, between 1981 and 1986 the Super Bowl was won by Jim, Joe, Joe Jim, Joe and Jim (that’s Plunkett, Montana, Theisman, Plunkett again, Montana again and McMahon). If you’ve got Jim under center you’re golden cuz he’ll even beat Joe (1984).
What changed in 1993, you ask? Troy Aikman won Super Bowl XXVII. Now, before all you Troys start in with the hate e-mail, let me explain myself. For me, the name Troy brings to mind two people. First, Troy Smith (NOT his real last name) with whom I attended Haude Elementary School. He spent the majority of recess trying to talk girls into letting him try on their dresses. No, really.
The second person I think of when I hear the name Troy, is Troy McClure, star of such safety and hygiene films as “Blood on the Highway” and “Your Genitals and You”. Voiced by the late Phil Hartman, there’s no way in hell Troy was winning a Super Bowl. And ruin his manicure?!
It was also about this time that Bubby Brister made the move from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia where he was hailed by my then roommate, a native Philadelphian and rabid Eagles fans, as the savior destined to lead the Eagles to the promised land.
Meanwhile, in Houston, the locals were caught up in a raging debate over whether it would be Cody Carlson or Bucky Richardson that would lead the Oilers to Super Bowl glory. In time, it was proven that Bubby, Bucky or Cody would never win you a Super Bowl. Thus, the new theory was born. And with the subsequent Super Bowl victories of Brett Favre and Trent Dilfer, the old theory was on pretty shaky ground anyway.
The new theory holds, too. Looking back, we find that Johnny, Billy and Kerry (Unitas, Kilmer and Collins, respectively) were all Super Bowl losers. And this season; Tony, Kerry and Quincy (Banks, Collins and Carter, respectively) are pretty much done. Vinnie Testaverde still has a shot by virtue of the fact that while the end of his name sounds like “ee”, it doesn’t end in “y”.
Finally, I’m currently researching a new theory that a guy with an ”unconventional” shall we say? name will always beat a guy with a traditional name in the Super Bowl. Troy beat Frank, Jim and Neil (Reich, Kelly and O’Donnell, respectively). Brett Favre beat Drew Bledsoe, but I’d call both names fairly unconventional so that result is inconclusive. Trent Dilfer beat Kerry Collins, but Collins was destined to lose anyway. With Kordell, Elvis, Donovan and Brett (Stewart, Grbac, McNabb and Favre, respectively) still in the mix, I may get my answer come February.
Once Dave Sabo reports on the results of his current quarterback project, he will begin working on his next theory, which states that no quarterback named “Billy Joe” will ever make the playoffs. 
Kerry Collins 
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